Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn't leave you. Me : Really? Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

   Hey Dems, send Jill Stein your money. She's doing a recount of the Super Bowl.

   If I saved money as much as I saved porn , I'd be rich.

   Pandora's problem was that she didn't think outside the box.

   Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay? I just bid on a Mickey Mouse Outfit and now I'm 10 minutes away from owning the Dallas Cowboys.

   Ran into a guy who used to bully me back in elementary school who even after all these years still took my lunch money. But on a high point, even without asking he gave me extra ketchup at McDonald's.

   Should say in that religious book.. The Reason God created marriage.. So death wasn't so disappointing.

   Blocked someone for correcting my grammer and it feelded so good...

   Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says "Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!" & starts crying

   It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

   I think it’s pretty cool how the media could cure the Corona virus with a bigger news story.

   Jeez I thought my dating life was bad before the Coronavirus.

   I guarantee there's a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks 'Covid' would be a lovely name for their child.

   What do you call a man who has everything?...... A bachelor.

   Depressed? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar.

   Its not that I'm heartless, its that I'm using my heart less.

   I guess COVID is now spreading into the fish population. Apparently a bunch of marlins have it.

   Gyms are open ! Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

   Times are tough so once again I will be selling nude photos of myself. $5 to get one. $25 to get none...

   I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.