Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought a skunk would be faster considering the racing stripes and all.... *continues to unload tomato soup cans at check out

   Today this hot girl said "enjoy your pizza" and I replied "you too" now I can't go back there

   That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

   Did you know that "Go hang a salami, Doc! Note; I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod. I’m a lasagna hog." is a palindrome? Now you do..

   There was a time when I, you know, wouldn't go "down" there...I suggested my girl trim it into a dinosaur shape. That's how my parents got me to eat chicken.

   I heard a rumour Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary. It seems the last Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth.

   Guy's if you want to do your own thing in the upcoming new year, get your wife/girlfriend a treadmill and a Victoria's Secret catalogue for christmas.

   Thank god I don't have to hunt to eat, because I have no bloody clue where pizza lives.

   Chinese food to go: $16.80. Gas to go pick it up: $1.60. Getting home and realizing they forgot part of your order: Riceless.

   I got home tonight and my girlfriend had on this little slinky outfit. which only really worked when she went down stairs .

   Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

   Sometimes I talked to myself because I need expert advice.

   I hope Mexico doesn't raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.

   Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn't leave you. Me : Really? Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

   Hey Dems, send Jill Stein your money. She's doing a recount of the Super Bowl.

   If I saved money as much as I saved porn , I'd be rich.

   Pandora's problem was that she didn't think outside the box.

   Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay? I just bid on a Mickey Mouse Outfit and now I'm 10 minutes away from owning the Dallas Cowboys.

   Ran into a guy who used to bully me back in elementary school who even after all these years still took my lunch money. But on a high point, even without asking he gave me extra ketchup at McDonald's.

   Should say in that religious book.. The Reason God created marriage.. So death wasn't so disappointing.