Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why the phrase, "I`m not being rude" must always be followed by "but" ?

   If I haven't done something you asked me to do and I say it's because life has "been crazy", it really means I've just been lazy.

   Archaeologists have uncovered what is to be believed as the remains of the worlds oldest dog. Also uncovered at the same site is believed to be the worlds oldest dog coller. It says, "i'm rex, if found return to Larry King"

   love can conquer anything, no matter how bad it gets it can always be forgiven by agreeing to put it behind you and getting on with being happy together.

   The Clitaurus is the most mysterious Jurassic-era creature to most male archaeologists.

   there's nothing like watching a commerical of people making out with a McRib sandwich......kinda turns m on

   wondering if you knew the the bird IS the word

   Great! Now all the pervs are going to apply for jobs with the TSA!

   I never did use my illusion. Is it too late?

   Oh, thank god! My barbecue will not be postponed.

   looks like Harolds ass will be camping outside the Pearly Gates by his damn self.

   By the time my vacation is over my memory foam will have lost itz mind! :)

   I take an on ramp to the freeway as if I'm heading to the checkered flag...wish everyone else did!!

   Here's what I've learned about dogs: They're a lot like pretty girls. Having one or two around makes everything more fun, but when you get a whole bunch together, it turns into one big power struggle.

   Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

   so has a friend ever used your PC and caught your google searches on accident? as In if they where searching "Minnesota" and when they typed "Mi" "midget porn" pops up

   Following the death of Eddie Stobart the other day, a film is being made of his life. It looks good, I've seen the trailer!

   somebody please reassure me that i'm not the only one not happy with the way talent and fame are becoming inversely proportional.

   comforting the disturbed and disturbing the comfortable

   If I ever get a firm grip on reality I'm gonna choke the sh*t out of it!