Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my kids look back on the photos of my life they'll think, "Wow, he wore that shirt a lot."

   If I do bring out the worst in you, why are you still here?

   Some of you people would be better off on a site called TwoFacedBook instead.

   I go to the Doctor daily,,,,,,,,, Cuz I just couldn't stand having to eat anymore apples

   I once stayed at an Amish Motel 6. They would have left the light on for me if they had one.

   Went out last night and got really pissed and wasted. I woke up next to an ugly fat chick who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK!

   "i would do anything for love, but I won't do that...or that, or that, or that, or that, or that"

   My battery is about to di

   If my girlfriend falls on the floor, does the 3 second rule still apply?

   The only downside to divorce is learning how to work all the appliances…

   You're so innocent. Let's fix that.

   "It's impossible." said pride. "It's risky." said experience. "It's pointless." said reason. "Give it a try." whispered the heart........ "WHAT DA HELL WAS THAT?!?!?!" shouted the anus two minutes later.

   Pollen? Web MD says I have Funky Cold Medina.

   Sometimes after I try to parallel park, I'll just get out and stand with my hands on my hips like a relief pitcher who just blew a save.

   In the London Marathon I did 4 hours, 1 minute and 9 seconds last year. Will try to beat that, but I seem to get bored and turn over to watch something else.

   Does hearing voices in my head qualify me for driving in the car pooling lane?

   When asked if I'm a cat or dog person, I always reply. 'It depends,, what wine are you serving?'

   I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P

   No offense DiGiorno, but if someone cooks a frozen pizza at home and confuses it with a person delivering a pizza, they might be insane.

   The key to being a great parent is finding what your child loves the most.... And then using it against them.