Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In the London Marathon I did 4 hours, 1 minute and 9 seconds last year. Will try to beat that, but I seem to get bored and turn over to watch something else.

   Does hearing voices in my head qualify me for driving in the car pooling lane?

   When asked if I'm a cat or dog person, I always reply. 'It depends,, what wine are you serving?'

   I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P

   No offense DiGiorno, but if someone cooks a frozen pizza at home and confuses it with a person delivering a pizza, they might be insane.

   The key to being a great parent is finding what your child loves the most.... And then using it against them.

   FUN FACT: Only one word in the English language is ever pronounced correctly, and that word is correctly.

   I don't care what people say, Little Bunny Foo Foo was a bully to field mice!!!

   'Bob Marley drinking game.........1.put on the Bob Marley track "Jammin'"..2,whenever Bob says "Jammin" you drink a beer

   I can unstrap a bra using one hand, so if you ever have a problem deciding whether to cut the blue or red wire on a bomb, I’m your guy.

   Apparently, this ass is going to have to learn to tap itself.

   I was gonna try the whole vegan thing once, but I didn't really want to commit myself to telling everyone about it.

   How am I supposed to completely ignore Olympic wrestling like it doesn't exist, if it actually doesn't exist?!

   Usually hates it when people post pictures of their lunch on Facebook, but my Asian friends picture of his puppy was just too cute.

   my money is on the Kenyan Cardinal in the Pope race!!

   I always tell people how fat I am. Then they tell me I'm not and I feel better about myself. - MOST WOMEN

   I like to draw graffiti on highway overpasses. Things like "clearance 40 feet".

   Maybe we should just crop dust North Korea with Chronic Smoke! Just calm that whole area down a bit! I'm sure Colorado could support the mission......

   I celebrate payday by pouring Gatorade on my bank teller.

   Hey all you Candy Crush players, oh please add me and I will send a virus to take out your addiction, oops I mean, codes I'll send you codes....