Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are a "hands on" type of person than junior high school sex education teacher is not the job for you.

   Cryogenically freeze yourself until they discover a cure for male pattern baldness.

   Forget Morgan Freeman, I'd pay a king's ransom for an app. that would have Christopher Walken's voice read posts.

   I'm not sure how many looks of death you can get from a spouse before you actually die, but I know its more than 10.

   Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing

   If the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence, it could be because that's where the septic tank is.

   TV show idea! We just air a live feed of old people using a smart phone for the first time.. We can call it "Where are the buttons?"

   The best drinks in life are free.

   It’s scary to be a woman on a blind date. For all she knows the man she is meeting up with could be a rapist, a murderer, or, God forbid, a politician

   If you love your farts you have to let them go.

   16 yr old daughter: "Leave me alone dad"... Me: You don't want me hugging you?"... 16 year old daughter: (crying) "Hug Me, but leave me alone"..... *Woman training complete.

   Remember, your neighbours aren't going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

   Running is my second favorite activity that leaves me sweaty and out of breat and disapointed I couldn't last longer.

   So how in heavens name with all the available utinsels out there to eat rice with did two round sticks win?

   Sometimes only carbohydrates can help.

   Chance of being the correct response when she asks "Notice anything different?" Hair 30% New shoes 25% Lost weight 20% Transitioning 3%..

   All I'm sayin, is that I bet that divorce lawyers spent a lot of time staging electric train wrecks as kids

   If I was a secret Agent.. I'd probably tell everyone..

   *discretely cancels date with Charlie Sheen*

   Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.... There's Circular pizzas, square pizzas, thin/thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings...... All beautiful really