Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If being single ever gets you down, just close your eyes, take a deep breath, and then go do anything you want to do.

   I. Did. Not. Have. Textual. Relations. With. That. Phone!

   My Asian friend cannot believe I've never seen "Roarest Rump"

   fun fact: shut up

   If I was an Italian comedian, I'd change my name to Bada Bing.

   Steven Tyler's face makes me believe wholeheartedly in Evolution.

   I got this whole Christmas gifting thing on lock!! I bought my mom a fridge for Xmas a few years ago and still to this day every time she opens it....her face lights up

   Tonight I've decided to put the bourban in suburban,

   My Siamese twin told me the funniest joke this morning!! I laughed so hard I almost pissed himself!!!!

   Seems like Lakers are doing so bad, that they missing their flu shots too!

   Sorry I broke into your house, dressed your cat like Angela Lansbury, and filmed my "Meowder She Wrote" pilot.

   When someone say's.. Living the american dream. I picture... Them with a large pizza, on their lap. While dipping fries into a frosty.

   If you are a "hands on" type of person than junior high school sex education teacher is not the job for you.

   Cryogenically freeze yourself until they discover a cure for male pattern baldness.

   Forget Morgan Freeman, I'd pay a king's ransom for an app. that would have Christopher Walken's voice read posts.

   I'm not sure how many looks of death you can get from a spouse before you actually die, but I know its more than 10.

   Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing

   If the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence, it could be because that's where the septic tank is.

   TV show idea! We just air a live feed of old people using a smart phone for the first time.. We can call it "Where are the buttons?"

   The best drinks in life are free.