Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   But all that aside Mrs. :Lincoln...how did you enjoy the play?

   I don’t care what people think of me… At least mosquitoes find me attractive.

   What do you call a woman with no gag reflex>>>>>>>>>Wife!

   How do they even grow boneless chicken's?

   I don't like the Republican Party and I don't like the Democratic Party... I just like to PARTY

   everyone under 30 is moving to CO and WA so Dems will only win 2 states in 2016...

   My phone broke. I took it back to the Sprint store and they didn't want to give me a new one. They said "Nothing works 100% of the time, except Mexicans"

   "I wanted to watch football on NBC but this figure skating they're showing is cool too". --said no one ever

   To err is human... To not know what err means is American.

   after thanksgiving I'm more stuffed then a 12 girl's bra at a justin bebier concert.

   When I die I'm gonna become a ghost & watch attractive people shower.

   The hookers in NY are now offering a "Tebow" special. For an extra $50, you get to experience a second coming.

   When I was a kid, I used to close the fridge door slowly just to see when the light turned off.

   What is invisible and smells like bananas? Monkey Farts.

   You don't know the difference between "your" and "you're?" It's the difference between knowing your sh!t and knowing you're shi!.

   TWILIGHT: Happy Bella- •_• Sad Bella- •_• Excited Bella- •_• Angry Bella- •_• Shocked Bella- •_• Confused Bella- •_•

   If you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.

   CNN: The most "rusted name in news".

   Life's short... Find someone to spend it with

   We have all imagined walking away from an explosion in slow motion while putting sunglasses on.