Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   911 what’s your emergency? Me: My Wife keeps pointing a flashlight at me!! 911: How is that an emergency? Me: It’s attached to her gun!!!

   Even if Hillary becomes president, Michelle Obama still beats Bill Clinton as the First Man in the White House.

   If Hooters delivered would they be called Knockers?

   I miss you like Michael J Fox misses soup

   The Devil doesn't like Heavy Metal music, he listens to Barry Manilow. I have proof.

   at night all the people go to sleep and I talk to wall....REALLY FACEBOOK WALL

   Domino's pizza is now made with real cheese." Well, WTF where you using before?

   I googled 'understading women'... LMAO was the result.

   I was a real stud in bed last night. We started having sex at 1:57 am and finished at 3:05 am.

   THINGS THAT ARE DAMN HARD TO FIND: 1. A phone on silent 2. Fat girl's clitoris 3. True love

   Everytime I see "ROFL"... I think of Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle".

   "Thank you for calling Dell Customer Support. How may I help you?" "Transfer me to an American or I am switching to Macs."

   If you can't afford a Doctor, go to an airport- you'll get a free xray and a breast exam and if you mention Al Qaeda , you'll get a free colonoscopy.

   Why are pure Vegetarian Women silent during SEX.? Ans: They are in a state of Shock that a piece of Meat can give so much Pleasure.

   Hamburger Helper only works when the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

   Wow! that was close! I almost gave a F*ck!

   Pre-ejaculatory fluid - It's a sign of things to come.

   keep your hourly updates going, I really am enjoying them...really. /sarcasm

   I drank so much vodka last night that my liver is giving me the finger!

   loves the feeling of new socks on his feet...