Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you’re driving down the road alone with your gloves and mask on, you don’t need that Biden sticker. We already know.

   If Melania was a Democrat, she would be on the cover of every magazine and hailed by the media for her grace, language and beauty.

   Ever take a dump so big your pants fit better?

   so ready for that all important holiday coming up, don't forget monday is the presidents day mattress sale

   I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions

   I'm confused...someone just said the disco queen died, but John Travolta appears to still be alive.

   found out the reason for our mild Winter....Someone removed the duct tape from Al Gores "pie hole!"

   50% of Trump supporters are Deplorable, BUT 50% of Hillary supporters are DEPORTABLE !

   Man talking with his friend: "My wife died yesterday, I'm trying to cry but tears are not coming out, what should I do?" Friend: "That's simple. Just imagine she is coming back."

   911 what’s your emergency? Me: My Wife keeps pointing a flashlight at me!! 911: How is that an emergency? Me: It’s attached to her gun!!!

   Even if Hillary becomes president, Michelle Obama still beats Bill Clinton as the First Man in the White House.

   If Hooters delivered would they be called Knockers?

   I miss you like Michael J Fox misses soup

   The Devil doesn't like Heavy Metal music, he listens to Barry Manilow. I have proof.

   at night all the people go to sleep and I talk to wall....REALLY FACEBOOK WALL

   Domino's pizza is now made with real cheese." Well, WTF where you using before?

   I googled 'understading women'... LMAO was the result.

   I was a real stud in bed last night. We started having sex at 1:57 am and finished at 3:05 am.

   THINGS THAT ARE DAMN HARD TO FIND: 1. A phone on silent 2. Fat girl's clitoris 3. True love

   Everytime I see "ROFL"... I think of Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle".