Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.

   You know it's cold outside when you go outside and it's cold.

   when I heard the news of LAX's shooting first thing that came to my mind was "Kanye had enough!"

   in other countries they riot against brutal dictators, in America we riot when our sports team wins a championship

   ■Women are angels, and when someone breaks their wings, they continue to fly…on a broomstick. They're flexible that way. ツ

   I bet george bush woke up with a hard on for the first time in 35 years

   I saw a guy with an eye patch today, so of course I had to ask him how the fun and games were before the injury.

   Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathrooms look like, one mirror at a time.

   When the queen's butler announce that it was tea time. Trump said to the queen " Oh, You play golf too?

   I would of had a better comeback but I left the come back in your mother

   I JUST GOT LAID THIS MORNING!................ Unfortuanately it was at a 7/11 gas pump :(

   My uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer last month, but all my Facebook friends changed their status' for an hour and now he's going to live a long and fruitful life.

   Yesterday the house was clean, sorry you missed it.

   The guys who ask a woman if they can kiss her are the same rookies who wear socks during sex.

   Barack Obama's in training for a second term of office. He says if he's elected President he will also consider hunting vampires.

   "What did I do?" -- the horse you rode in on.

   "I wasn't that drunk." ... "Dude you destroyed my moms garden while yelling, "F**K farmville!"

   I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled my window down and threw my beer at her.

   A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half nekked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

   7 billion people, 14 billion faces.