Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Honestly officer, it's not my fault... Jesus took the wheel...

   At my funeral when they're lowering me into the ground I demand they play "Drop it like its hot"!!!

   I'm Canadian and bacon is called bacon .

   If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

   If anyone sees my TV remote control can you tell it I simply want to know if it's safe and happy.

   I just saw a caveman today. Okay fine, I saw a guy who was sitting on a bench reading a book. Same thing to me.

   We cannot allow gays to marry! It would destroy the sanctity of our prestigious divorce rate.

   I'm from England and have no idea who ray rice is....

   "There's more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb

   "No, size doesn't matter" She says removing the cover from the forearm sized gas powered vibrator.

   "As his plane was about to crash, the golfers on the course were heard yelling "FORD !!!!!!! "

   Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.

   You know it's cold outside when you go outside and it's cold.

   when I heard the news of LAX's shooting first thing that came to my mind was "Kanye had enough!"

   in other countries they riot against brutal dictators, in America we riot when our sports team wins a championship

   ■Women are angels, and when someone breaks their wings, they continue to fly…on a broomstick. They're flexible that way. ツ

   I bet george bush woke up with a hard on for the first time in 35 years

   I saw a guy with an eye patch today, so of course I had to ask him how the fun and games were before the injury.

   Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathrooms look like, one mirror at a time.

   When the queen's butler announce that it was tea time. Trump said to the queen " Oh, You play golf too?