Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

   Consequences of American life style: The wife rushed into house screaming to her husband: Darling, Come quick! Ur kids n my kids r beating our kids.

   Just hired an body guard from an African tribe untouched by civilization.....not sure what he's doin but my friends keep disappearing.......But these steaks he makes are AWESOME!!!!

   Ultimate space? Kiss my A$$!!!! Find a better way...losers!!!!

   So Adrian Peterson misses "mandatory" training camp for "Adrian Peterson Day" in some town in Texas, and its some big deal... My question is how do the celebrate "AP Day"? Bake some turnovers, drop things all day and accomplish nothing major?

   Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?

   mexico would help America with the war in Iraq, if only they could hitch a ride

   I bought my daughter an Iphone she was happy I bought my son an Ipad he was exstatic I bought my wife an Iron she threw it at me

   might go to the hardware shop tomorrow and tell one of the assistants I need a really long screw...

   got a job...single mother and can't even get help from the government because I make $100 too much...might as well be on welfare!

   I take a high school dropout more serious than a person that graduated from Everest

   Yo Mama is so fat! She uses an iPad as an iPhone.

   I think Biden would be a hell of a Walmart door greeter.

   So if Jesus doesn't see his shadow when he comes out of his cave this Sunday, does that mean we get 2,000 more years of hell on earth?

   Wow Pepsi didnt put "Under God" on their new Pledge of Allegiance Can. They don't want to offend any one with the phrase. Well Pepsi I promise not to give you any coins or bills with "In God We Trust" on them. I dont want to offend you or anything.

   It's kinda funny how in 2010 and 2011 people were freaking out about 2012. Now it's 2 months from December and no one gives a crap

   I guess the Obama's need another vacation to Rio to take a break... Apparently picking all 4 #1 seeds in his March Madness bracket was just to much on him?? What a SLACKER!!!

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons

   When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d**k.  or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose. 

   Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.