Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know I think its real messed up that clubs have "Ladies Night" where a bunch of them can go and drink free for a while and dance...But they dont have a "Guys Night" where dudes can do the same...??Oh wait??..That sounds kinda gay...NEVERMIND

   How come no one will ever hold my hand and skip with me in public places??

   would rather be sodimized by two out of the three Jonas brothers, than listen to another Bieber song....It would be three out of three, but the one with the curly hair reminds me of a clown--I hate F@#king clowns...

   I'm going to a posh do tonight. The invitation says, 'Black Tie Only'. Christ, I'm going to be f-kin freezing!

   you might be a redneck if the tires on your truck cost more than your truck

   frowning in your douchebaggy direction.

   My first time doing stand up comedy was like losing my virginity: uncomfortable,awkward but I did get alot of laughs!

   OFFICE MEMO: Mrs. Waite is doing all my work today. If you're in a rush for it,go to Helen Waite

   accidentally gave himself a "Dutch Oven".

   soo old that he knew the Dead Sea when it was ill

   I learned the hard way today that I should always wear panties under my dress when I go out. Because if I don't there's always a gust of wind to tick me off.

   wants to be 9' tall and blue so I can plug my hair into my orange dragon thing and fly to the floating mountains. Am I on drugs? No, but someone ought to test James Cameron!

   Everyone's days are numbered. It's called a calendar.

   why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

   - You gotta take some chances, You gotta risk it all, You gotta close your eyes,` &jump'; 'cause it might be worth the fall..

   I saw a sign outside a church today it said: "The most powerful position, is on your knees..." *naughty thought*

   Have you ever been to a town so small that when you say, "Hey Bubba"! everyone turns around and waves?

   I guess it's time to go to the grocery store. A mouse hung himself in the fridge with a note saying "Sorry,can't live like this anymore".

   Think I got my Halloween costume.... SNOOKIE! I'll wear clothes 5 sizes too small, paint my body Umpa Loompa Orange, walk around half naked, drunk and screaming "Do you know who I am?!? I'm Snookie Biotch!"

   A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's.......She changes it more often.