Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants to be 9' tall and blue so I can plug my hair into my orange dragon thing and fly to the floating mountains. Am I on drugs? No, but someone ought to test James Cameron!

   Everyone's days are numbered. It's called a calendar.

   why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

   - You gotta take some chances, You gotta risk it all, You gotta close your eyes,` &jump'; 'cause it might be worth the fall..

   I saw a sign outside a church today it said: "The most powerful position, is on your knees..." *naughty thought*

   Have you ever been to a town so small that when you say, "Hey Bubba"! everyone turns around and waves?

   I guess it's time to go to the grocery store. A mouse hung himself in the fridge with a note saying "Sorry,can't live like this anymore".

   Think I got my Halloween costume.... SNOOKIE! I'll wear clothes 5 sizes too small, paint my body Umpa Loompa Orange, walk around half naked, drunk and screaming "Do you know who I am?!? I'm Snookie Biotch!"

   A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's.......She changes it more often.

   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

   Consequences of American life style: The wife rushed into house screaming to her husband: Darling, Come quick! Ur kids n my kids r beating our kids.

   Just hired an body guard from an African tribe untouched by civilization.....not sure what he's doin but my friends keep disappearing.......But these steaks he makes are AWESOME!!!!

   Ultimate space? Kiss my A$$!!!! Find a better way...losers!!!!

   So Adrian Peterson misses "mandatory" training camp for "Adrian Peterson Day" in some town in Texas, and its some big deal... My question is how do the celebrate "AP Day"? Bake some turnovers, drop things all day and accomplish nothing major?

   Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?

   mexico would help America with the war in Iraq, if only they could hitch a ride

   I bought my daughter an Iphone she was happy I bought my son an Ipad he was exstatic I bought my wife an Iron she threw it at me

   might go to the hardware shop tomorrow and tell one of the assistants I need a really long screw...

   got a job...single mother and can't even get help from the government because I make $100 too much...might as well be on welfare!

   I take a high school dropout more serious than a person that graduated from Everest