Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wishes my lovehandles would love somebody else!

   No doesn't mean no. No means work on the neck, the nipples try back in five minutes.-Daniel Tosh

   Roses are red; foxes are clever. I love your butt; let me touch it forever.

   I washed my hands of OCD...... Again.

   Steel toe boots: Check! Flack jacket: Check! Metal baton: Check! Helmet with face shield: Check! OK....I think I am ready to go to the grocery store now and shop for the Thanksgiving meal. :)

   It's that time of year again where commercials remind me that I will probably never get a car with a bow on it

   Whenever there's a ping pong compatition on tv I secretely hope Tom Hanks shows up, paddle in hand, and just destroys everyone.

   Patriots by 7. This is my pick for the Superbowl. And for any future U.S. revolutionary wars.

   My 10-top All-star Celebrities on Drugs list is Ruined!!! Anybody wanna trade Drew Barrymore??

   The Beach Boys reunited at the Grammys. They're headed out on tour for their 50th anniversary. Now when they sing about surfing, they mean surfing the Internet for discounted prostate medication.

   I thought I saw Keira Knightley laying by the side of the road but it turned out to be a fallen tree branch.

   I do feel that it is appropriate for us all to get on our knees and thank the good Lord that spiders do not fly.

   omg 109 degrees . its so hot people dont even tan anymore they just rust.

   King Arthur: "What size and shape should we make the table?"................Sir Mix-a-lot: " I LIKE 'EM ROUND...AND BIG!"

   I think as part of the lap band surgery process you should have to fly to Ethiopia,,, and tell 10 people what it is and why you need it.

   A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

   Some call it Murder....I call it Annulment by Vacation on a Cruise ship......

   Character cannot be developed in peace and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved

   I don't get mad, don't throw temper tantrums and I don't hold grudges..I am a very mature girl....but YOU are not allowed in my treehouse anymore!!!

   The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.