Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I do feel that it is appropriate for us all to get on our knees and thank the good Lord that spiders do not fly.

   omg 109 degrees . its so hot people dont even tan anymore they just rust.

   King Arthur: "What size and shape should we make the table?"................Sir Mix-a-lot: " I LIKE 'EM ROUND...AND BIG!"

   I think as part of the lap band surgery process you should have to fly to Ethiopia,,, and tell 10 people what it is and why you need it.

   A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

   Some call it Murder....I call it Annulment by Vacation on a Cruise ship......

   Character cannot be developed in peace and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved

   I don't get mad, don't throw temper tantrums and I don't hold grudges..I am a very mature girl....but YOU are not allowed in my treehouse anymore!!!

   The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

   You know I think its real messed up that clubs have "Ladies Night" where a bunch of them can go and drink free for a while and dance...But they dont have a "Guys Night" where dudes can do the same...??Oh wait??..That sounds kinda gay...NEVERMIND

   How come no one will ever hold my hand and skip with me in public places??

   would rather be sodimized by two out of the three Jonas brothers, than listen to another Bieber song....It would be three out of three, but the one with the curly hair reminds me of a clown--I hate F@#king clowns...

   I'm going to a posh do tonight. The invitation says, 'Black Tie Only'. Christ, I'm going to be f-kin freezing!

   you might be a redneck if the tires on your truck cost more than your truck

   frowning in your douchebaggy direction.

   My first time doing stand up comedy was like losing my virginity: uncomfortable,awkward but I did get alot of laughs!

   OFFICE MEMO: Mrs. Waite is doing all my work today. If you're in a rush for it,go to Helen Waite

   accidentally gave himself a "Dutch Oven".

   soo old that he knew the Dead Sea when it was ill

   I learned the hard way today that I should always wear panties under my dress when I go out. Because if I don't there's always a gust of wind to tick me off.