Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In the bathroom, even the shampoo bottle becomes interesting.

   I don’t get it. So in a gay marriage, they have two couches?

   If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so I can "like it" and laugh

   Oh well, a friend just tried to send ricin via email!!!! He never was the brightest color in the crayon box!!

   Laziness walks in my family

   JAB. If the human race had no choice as to what color a child is at birth, prejudice wouldn't exist. . .

   And for my next trick, I will turn these bottles of wine into an evening of questionable decisions, off-key singing and a massive hangover. My panties may also magically disappear. Can I get a volunteer from the audience to help me?

   Ladies, please send me your height, weight, and body mass index. So I can calculate the amount of alcohol needed for you to think I'm sexy.

   If you cut soda from your diet, you'll save over $1000 a year and could spend money on more important things, like beer, meth, and skittles.

   If the plot of Breaking Amish isn’t an Amish guy with cancer who sells light bulbs to pay his medical bills then you can count me out.

   The irony is,, Girl dogs do not even talk about their girl friends behind their backs...

   Sunglasses – allowing perverts to stare at boobs they're never going to touch for decades.

   *Achievement Unlocked* 15G - Reading This Status All The Way

   I see your chinstrap facial hair, and I raise you an IQ test.

   I really thought my business as a professional cat fight promoter would've taken off by now. Maybe I should use women instead of actual cats…

   Will there soon be a trump beach hotel in North Korea

   Saw a middle-eastern friend shaking a carpet on 6th floor balcony. I called out "what's wrong ahmed, won't it start."

   Looks like Ossoff found those 11,000 votes Trump was looking for...

   "Scots love me and I love those haggis smelling weirdos who wear those little girlie skirts!" -Trump, eventually, during his Scotland trip.

   If Hillary becomes president she will be the first F President. Oh, sorry. I was going to say female, but the "emale" got deleted.