Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In dog beers, I only had 1

   Ok, when are Mayans going to claim responsibility for the Meteorite attack on Russia?

   PMS jokes aren't funny. Period!

   Apparently this guy on the street was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad dude, my bad.

   Sometimes for fun I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they open the door,,, I say, "Hey! Sorry I'm late."

   If you don't like something shoot it; if you can't shoot it, think about it while you're shooting something else.

   I just read Cubans can travel abroad more easily now. I hope they know they can't use buttons and chicken bones for money here.

   How much cooler would it have been if Apple made Mini-Me introduce the iPad mini?

   sippin' my coffee in peace and quiet!! Life is good :)

   How are there still millions of bald men in this country when there is an abondance of permanent markers?

   Happy Thanksgiving ya'll! Don't forget to set your scale forward 45 lbs. ahead

   In the bathroom, even the shampoo bottle becomes interesting.

   I don’t get it. So in a gay marriage, they have two couches?

   If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so I can "like it" and laugh

   Oh well, a friend just tried to send ricin via email!!!! He never was the brightest color in the crayon box!!

   Laziness walks in my family

   JAB. If the human race had no choice as to what color a child is at birth, prejudice wouldn't exist. . .

   And for my next trick, I will turn these bottles of wine into an evening of questionable decisions, off-key singing and a massive hangover. My panties may also magically disappear. Can I get a volunteer from the audience to help me?

   Ladies, please send me your height, weight, and body mass index. So I can calculate the amount of alcohol needed for you to think I'm sexy.

   If you cut soda from your diet, you'll save over $1000 a year and could spend money on more important things, like beer, meth, and skittles.