Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best part of waking up . . . is going back to sleep.

   Honey, remember to address the dog as "Dr." Scruffy. We didn't pay for eight years of post-grad obedience school for nothing.

   I wish jobs had a sick & tired of being sick & tired leave...

   Friends who befriend me can't be a friend in the first place now can they.

   Thinks it is pathetic that I walk into a restaurant and half the couples are not even talking to each other but texting on their smart phones. Crap, brb, my wife is bugging me about something....

   was told recently that it really doesn't constitute stalking if you inform the other party. I like that. So, Greater Facebook Community, I'm probably stalking you.

   The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is

   Wales..The only country you can get a great sh@g,a delicious Hotpot and a Smashing Jumper all from the same Animal.

   Sorry, I've just been taken by surprise, am not sure when he'll bring me back.

   facing the book

   Of this I am certain: This war on terrorism which has been longer than any other modern war thus far, will turn into a war of religion, Christianity vs Islam because of Ignorants and Fundamentalists on either side.

   Wonder when we will see the "Paul Walker" on The Walking Dead?

   What's with these atheists getting all snarky on us believers on Easter. We didn't give them a hard tome on April Fool's Day.

   Thank God Zimmerman's wife and father-in-law weren't wearing a Hoodie and didn't have any Skittles on them!

   Martial law is coming. Fight for your freedom. Fight for the right to live. Stop the New World Order.

   You know why Rednecks like it doggie style? So they can both watch Nascar together!!

   After the Lavar Ball incidence, I now understand why Trump hates blacks.

   When gays hack into their gay mate's facebook accounts, do they change the status to, “I'M STRAIGHT AND I LOVE EATING PU$$Y!”?

   Ladies, pay attention ... sperm is made up of anger, stress, and anxiety ... best way to keep a man happy is to rid them of this negativity ... regularly!!!

   I got a Taser today... ...and a kitten to replace the neighbor's cat that died in a totally unrelated incident.