Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife gives great head...ache.

   Till - when we get bored with each other and what used to be cute now makes us feel homicidal rage - do us part

   ving a PT Cruiser says, "I made a 25 thousand dollar mistake in 2002."

   If you rim your margarita glass with pink Himalayan Salt it becomes health food right?

   I used to have an attitude problem. I broke up with her about a year ago.

   Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

   The first rule of chess club: If you've ever seen a boob you're the hero of chess club.

   Tried Gordon Ramseys diet tip tonight: cooking with whisky! It worked!!! After 5 glasses, I forgot why I was in the kitchen

   I don't know about Todd's wife being fridged, but her snatch must be giant, cause I swear, his post had an echo!

   If you want to bore your friends to death, this is the right place to get your material.

   Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?

   Weird that we don't see more pants on fire

   I swear while 50% of the human race is evolving the other 50% is devolving.

   My call is important to them, my time isn't.

   A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

   Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.

   Whenever I see a tweet written in arabic or something I star and retweet it just for fun. Now the FBI wants to talk to me.

   These feelings would go well with vodka.

   My cat sucks at staring contests!

   Whenever I'm drinking Vodka and eating Nacho flavored Doritos, I always seem to have to spend the next morning apologizing for things I said on Facebook. I guess I really need to stop eating Nacho flavored Doritos