Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This morning I put Red Bull into my coffee maker instead of water and now I can see noises.

   I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped my phone.

   For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.

   Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in thier status that you really did'nt want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop. Talk to ya later.

   Who came up with hugs? The very first hug must have been really creepy. “What are you doing? Why are you holding me?” “Just trust me.”

   Why do we feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking "I'm gonna ki..- ahh damn! She's under a blanket."

   How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?

   As you take another breath, someone takes their last. Stop complaining; appreciate life.

   Onomatopoeias are one thing, but then there are words that look like what they are... like bed.

   I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

   Girlfriend caught you looking at another woman? Turn to your girl and tell her that you're glad she doesn't dress like that.

   If a robber ever breaks in, I'll just pretend to be one too, and we'll laugh and hug and he'll leave because I have first dibs.

   1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance......... The 5 stages of buying gas.

   When my ex moved out while I was at work, she took my new flat screen tv, but she couldn't find the remote. I will occasionally drive to her house around 2 am and turn the TV on and the volume all the way up. I'll give it 2 years and call us even."

   I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.

   While looking at porn, "Low Battery" appears . . .Challenge Accepted

   Someone just used my driveway to turn around and now I'm standing outside with two open beers and *lonely face*

   if you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn't be telling you this"

   She hit the brakes and I hit her, and this beautiful blond gets out and says "Ram me in the a$$ why don't you"! And here your honor is were it gets confusing

   Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.