Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons and banner on your mailbox.

   What starts with P & ends with orn? Popcorn What starts with F & ends with uck? Firetruck. What starts with G & ends with ay? Justin Bieber

   "Sorry, her mother is a pterodactyl" ..... *Me with the screeching toddler in the grocery store.

   The difference between fetish and felony is googling ahead of time.

   Only reason I’m here is to find a trustworthy babysitter.

   The movie demolition man, is coming true.

   Why Does My Feed Have To Be Clogged With Everything You Liked???

   [Stares deeply into my wifes' eyes before going to the bathroom]... "I counted those fries Susan."

   There are smart men, handsome men, rich men, sexy men and sweet men and then there is the combination of all 5 We call that one a "unicorn"

   FACT: being a constant delight just comes naturally to me.

   Jared fogle got 15 1/2 years in prison. Ironically, that's the same age he likes his woman.

   I enjoy long romantic scrolls on my phone.

   Everyone picks their nose. It is what you do with it that defines you as a person.

   Possessio...is 9/10 of the spelling

   I have white friends, but not " Excuse me Sir. You dropped your wallet." white friends.

   Jokes on you Lent,,, I already gave up.

   When we're chatting on fb, and I start saying things like, "well, okay", "gotta run", "have a great day", it was great talking to you"...what that means is: SHUT THE F**K UP ALREADY!

   I'm tired of doing math. I guess I'll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today

   never kill hope in your beloved ones; sometimes it's the only treasure they have.

   Show me on your selfie where he hurt you.