Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I enjoy long romantic scrolls on my phone.

   Everyone picks their nose. It is what you do with it that defines you as a person.

   Possessio...is 9/10 of the spelling

   I have white friends, but not " Excuse me Sir. You dropped your wallet." white friends.

   Jokes on you Lent,,, I already gave up.

   When we're chatting on fb, and I start saying things like, "well, okay", "gotta run", "have a great day", it was great talking to you"...what that means is: SHUT THE F**K UP ALREADY!

   I'm tired of doing math. I guess I'll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today

   never kill hope in your beloved ones; sometimes it's the only treasure they have.

   Show me on your selfie where he hurt you.

   My wife gives great head...ache.

   Till - when we get bored with each other and what used to be cute now makes us feel homicidal rage - do us part

   ving a PT Cruiser says, "I made a 25 thousand dollar mistake in 2002."

   If you rim your margarita glass with pink Himalayan Salt it becomes health food right?

   I used to have an attitude problem. I broke up with her about a year ago.

   Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

   The first rule of chess club: If you've ever seen a boob you're the hero of chess club.

   Tried Gordon Ramseys diet tip tonight: cooking with whisky! It worked!!! After 5 glasses, I forgot why I was in the kitchen

   I don't know about Todd's wife being fridged, but her snatch must be giant, cause I swear, his post had an echo!

   If you want to bore your friends to death, this is the right place to get your material.

   Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?