Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening

   They should invent a game for people with bad breath.. I would call it "Taste the Colgate!"

   Ladies: Why do you wear engagement rings to let the world know that you are taken and off the market while your man doesn't wear any? How are the opportunistic man-stealing predators suppose to know he is taken?

   "Now how is he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"... thought the spider.

   I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

   You're as useless as pants on a hooker..

   You're the joke, I merely provide the punch line..

   I need a woman who understands me, Not one who criticices me for arranging my Beanie Babie's by phylum.

   Accidentally quoting lyrics may be funny or embarrassing, but in the end, it doesn't even matter.

   If Patrick Star was running for president, his motto could be "We should take all of our problems, and move them somewhere else!"

   Admit it – no matter how much you play it cool, you've gotten butthurt over something minor on the Internet before.

   I am going to change your relationship status from “Taken” to “Stolen”

   Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what is left.

   In our darkest moments we sometimes find a way to shine. Or smash a knee on the corner of a coffee table that you wanna toss into the fireplace.

   Using your car to take your girlfriend to that place she likes.

   They say weed kills brain cells. I'm down to my last two. One is on life support and the other one is trying to pull the plug.

   wishing that my computer would crash and erase all of the work I'm not doing this morning.

   Parents call it "talking back" we call it explaining.

   So after watching the hilarious interview I feel closer to Charlie Sheen because have a lot in common. Tiger blood and Adonis DNA..

   Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.