Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am going to change your relationship status from “Taken” to “Stolen”

   Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what is left.

   In our darkest moments we sometimes find a way to shine. Or smash a knee on the corner of a coffee table that you wanna toss into the fireplace.

   Using your car to take your girlfriend to that place she likes.

   They say weed kills brain cells. I'm down to my last two. One is on life support and the other one is trying to pull the plug.

   wishing that my computer would crash and erase all of the work I'm not doing this morning.

   Parents call it "talking back" we call it explaining.

   So after watching the hilarious interview I feel closer to Charlie Sheen because have a lot in common. Tiger blood and Adonis DNA..

   Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.

   I want some of that "fairy tail" everyone's talking about!!

   , you know something is wrong when THIS GUY has better credit then the US government!

   May all your beans be jelly and may no bunny poop in your basket.

   There are some days just aren't worth living... Wait, that sounds morbid... What I mean is Mondays suck!!!

   I accomplished NOTHING today! And yes, I'm proud of that AND I still have my jammies on :)

   They say "Osama Bin Laden is dead" ... I say "Fraps it or it never happened"

   Ok, I am still holding onto five jars of mayonnaise. What the heck do I do with them??

   Someone questioned: "Y do we need a lover when there are so many around to love us?" A wise man answered: "As air is everywhere but we still need a fan to feel it!" :)

   Im good at peeling potatoes and my cooking is terrible. I have always dreamed of working in a prison kitchen.

   The well known phrase, 'I' before 'E' except after 'C' usually applies, except in"Their" and "Alzheimer's"...What happened, did they forget?

   So Mr. Sandman...since you've abandoned me for the sake of other's slumber, I've decided to move on. Advil PM, start digesting and work your magic.