Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A semi-literate bear enthusiast will feel misled after clicking on the "grisly photo" link in Yahoo News Libya coverage.

   No one told me another rapture was scheduled for today! WTF, I'm not prepared.......

   I like to pretend that the girls who do the "duck face" in pics can beatbox real good

   this Sunday we all get to travel back in time just like Marty McFly.

   Don't feel bad Westerners, somewhere there is a Chinese kid in an American restaurant struggling with a knife & fork.

   off to the voting booth. Bigfoot prepare to get elected.

   Why do morons think they can disguise their stupidity by acting like smart asses?

   Ask your girlfriend if she wants to go dancing. If she laughs at you, she's a keeper.

   I distrust Camels and anyone else who can go 1 week without a drink.

   I'm thinking about opening an online Facebook rehab clinic.

   We had a family tree but someone chopped it down and built a bar with it.

   Just when I think I can make ends meet, some jackass cuts the rope.

   Katie must be out of her 5 yr lease contract with Tom Cruise finally

   My girl just called to tell me she went into labor. I said, "Hell yeah, its about time you got a job!"

   Life is like p0rn. Much better when people stop talking.

   It's so hot outside. I'm sweating like Rick Ross and two big girls riding around in a Prius with no AC

   Hey someone tell the Sun to stop showing off!!

   Took a career aptitude test. My results: sports team mascot, bridge troll, sign twirler, petting zoo poop scooper..

   Fellas: To prevent injuring your thumb while hammering, have your wife hold the nails.

   pain is weakness leaving the body....so those who have been hurt live strong ♡