Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This douchebag trying to tell me that the Smurfs are Caucasian.

   Talking to some people is like having to slap an old TV a few times to get the picture.

   I can tell a lot about a person by the way they tell a lot about themselves.

   I decided to see how I looked with a beard. I didn't like it at first but it's growing on me.

   Shredded wheat is OK for breakfast if you like to eat lightly sweetened scarecrows.

   I've never seen a bar I couldn't lower.

   I'd F**k your brains out, but looks like someone already beat me to it

   Human beings used to do some crazy things before the Facebook. For example, they used to go outside and meet people.

   Trust me you won't like me when I am hungry.

   I like my job. You might say I'm a gruntled employee.

   Sometimes, when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.

   Don't let your enemy use your energy against you.

   97% of women over the age of 25 who have "never done that before" have done that before.

   Anybody else watch the Miss Universe contest last night???? I still say its riged, I have never seen anyone from another universe in that contest!!!

   My dog left me christmas present under the tree I had to clean it up

   my new pickup line "get in the car and no one will get hurt

   I just spent 5 minutes on a dating website and now I need a shower...

   he asked to be the little spoon... so I went home

   Lindsay Lohan's personal chef is just a piñata full of cocaine.

   A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.