Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never take for granite what you have. No matter how naughty they are, appreciate they are healthy and alive. Pray for those touched by this tragedy. I can't even imagine.

   Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: "Local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?"

   Let's have sex? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.

   I got a Justin Bieber song stuck in my head and now I'm a lesbian

   I really hope Chris Brown dates Justin Bieber

   The doctor said I have to start watching what I eat and drink. Today, I watched a ham and cheese omelet, a bacon cheeseburger, a large french fry, a frosty, and now I am getting ready to watch a meat lovers pizza and a cold brew...I got this covered doc.

   This will be my fourth year in a row being single on Valentine's Day. You guys call it "pathetic". I call it "forward thinking".

   I'm calling an emergency meeting between my eyes and your boobs.

   Just because I pet your dog doesn't mean I want to talk to you, get over yourself smoking hot girl!

   Random Happy Thought Factoid of the day: The Beatles used "love" 613 times in their songs.

   Please stop interrupting me while I am ignoring you.

   This douchebag trying to tell me that the Smurfs are Caucasian.

   Talking to some people is like having to slap an old TV a few times to get the picture.

   I can tell a lot about a person by the way they tell a lot about themselves.

   I decided to see how I looked with a beard. I didn't like it at first but it's growing on me.

   Shredded wheat is OK for breakfast if you like to eat lightly sweetened scarecrows.

   I've never seen a bar I couldn't lower.

   I'd F**k your brains out, but looks like someone already beat me to it

   Human beings used to do some crazy things before the Facebook. For example, they used to go outside and meet people.

   Trust me you won't like me when I am hungry.