Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I Hate It When I Go To Bed And Forget To Turn My Swag Off.

   Looked over and saw a giant frickin' spider crawling on my shoulder, so if anyone needs me I'll be over here NEVER SLEEPING EVER AGAIN EVER.

   eaten so much Halloween candy that next week it will look like I'm going through puberty again. Hey, maybe this time I will get boobs!

   Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

   Dear Santa, Can we talk about this? I'm so sick and tired being on that list. I'm just having fun.

   wrote a letter to my love, and on my way I caught him, kicked him in his special place, and shoved it in his pocket! goodbye cheater

   dear biology, can I get an extended warranty on my penis?

   You can attract flies with honey, but you get more honeys if your fly!

   Men are only as loyal as their options.

   how are you supposed to read lady gaga's po po po po poker face, if it's all covered up with all that wierd cr*p?

   The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.”

   I think I'm ready for a man in my life again. I cleaned out one drawer...in the kitchen, two inches of hanger space...in the hall closet and enough room for one pair of shoes...on the porch.

   TCP/IP, UDP, the seven layers of the OSI Model, encapsulation, decapsulation, data, packets, frames, bits, subnets, routers, switches, RIP, Gateways, and many other things have stolen my sanity this evening, and I don't even care.

   trust is like a mirror you can fix it if its broken but you can still see the crack in that mother fuckers reflection!

   instead of fighting over healthcare the government should give everyone skittles because they make everyone happy!

   Australian scientists are releasing photos of never before seen deep sea creatures.In related news, BP is releasing photos of never to be seen again sea creatures.

   Just heard that Snooki was picked up by police for disorderly conduct.. apparently she was caught "orange-handed"

   My son has painted the most beautiful mural. On the side of our house. His new family will be so proud.

   People who say they give 110% are not only c0cky, but incredibly bad at math. 110% is impossible, you idiot.

   I always like to keep a "trial size" hand sanitizer with me at all times. Not to keep my hands clean, but in case I have to "fake" sneeze on the back of someones head for being an idot or slow.