Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Technically, there is a lot of food in this house. However, none of it is sweet or microwavable. There isn't food in the house.

   Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.

   When her thoughts are dirtier than your thoughts don't ever let her go.

   I wanna be the reason you realize your husband is really not that bad.

   I spend like 82% of cleanup time trying not to say "or it gets the hose again" after telling the kids to put toys in the basket.

   *Tim Burton slams hands on table* WTF DO you MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE *turns to Depp* HOW LONG HAVE you KNOWN

   Life must suck for the reporters that have to report on the Justin Bieber n-word story...

   I think my girlfriend can transform into a bee. She only transforms in the bathroom though, I always hear the buzzing sound.

   So "instagram" doesn't mean your dealer is right around the corner?

   A family reunion with NO alcholol? What is the point?

   Does anyone else ever just take a couple of ibuprofin, just in case?

   Changed my iCloud password to, "1234". Now we wait...

   When I want to break up with a person, I wait until they're sitting in my car, then I press the button that disables the passenger air bag.

   *takes out one earbud* "not guilty, your honor"

   Math quiz! If I have 1 boss and she has 4 personalities. How much should I spend on her x-mas present ?

   Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets’ doctor said, "We don't give painkillers to our players. We give them to our fans.

   Hot girls look even hotter when riding a bike. Fat girls look even fatter while riding a bike. It's science.

   It's kinda messed up to think that peanut butter sandwiches could take out a considerable portion of the population.

   Putting sunscreen on the neighbors solar panel

   Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism"