Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone else ever just take a couple of ibuprofin, just in case?

   Changed my iCloud password to, "1234". Now we wait...

   When I want to break up with a person, I wait until they're sitting in my car, then I press the button that disables the passenger air bag.

   *takes out one earbud* "not guilty, your honor"

   Math quiz! If I have 1 boss and she has 4 personalities. How much should I spend on her x-mas present ?

   Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets’ doctor said, "We don't give painkillers to our players. We give them to our fans.

   Hot girls look even hotter when riding a bike. Fat girls look even fatter while riding a bike. It's science.

   It's kinda messed up to think that peanut butter sandwiches could take out a considerable portion of the population.

   Putting sunscreen on the neighbors solar panel

   Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism"

   My AT&T bill suggested that I should go paperless. Less paper=better environment. I sure Hope Charmin toilet paper doesn't say that soon!

   My friend's become a dealer. Don't get the wrong idea, I mean at the casino. He says it's a good place to sell drugs.

   Women are supposed to be beautiful and hard to catch, like butterflies. But most of ya'll are like mosquitoes, annoying and easy to smash.

   I'm creative. *creates problems*

   Some of you should be required to raise your hand before you post to facebook.

   Some people are like clouds, when they go away, the day gets brigher.

   Many moons ago,,, Apparently, We had more than one moon

   If you live in a trailer, you know a guy.

   Pro Tip: If He/She is only free one day a week. They are only there for hook ups

   my new years resolution is 800 x 600