Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Takes one to know one cutie^

   If I ever do drag... My stage name is going to be Amber Alert.. That way I'll have everyone looking out for me

   Scientists have found that women share the same dna as prawns.. Their heads are full of sh*t but their pink bits taste amazing!!

   I don't wanna speak to soon, but the new iPhone is way better at taking pictures of my wiener in the dark than the old one.

   Maybe because she is watching more football, but I am starting to like it when she stops, calls for a measurement then goes for it.....

   Centerpead.....? Someone needs spell check or to learn how to use it.

   I think maybe I will open a gym for fat English people and call it Downton Flabby.

   Truth doesn’t matter when you just vote for your team regardless of their integrity.

   جمعية البراري, translation “l f@&k goats”

   Parole board: Are you ready to return to society? OJ: I'm ready to take a stab at it.

   Whole Foods should change their name to Whole Paycheck...

   Taylor Swift should have grabbed that microphone from Kanye and said "Sorry, but Martin Luther King Jr. had the best speech of all time."

   No matter who wins, the US still loses. Neither of them are fit to be president.

   If evolution is real why are there still monkeys? If Google is real why are there still people asking stupid questions?

   The Russians are gonna blackmail Trump w/ a "golden showers" tape? Trump must be PISSED!

   Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.

   Does back-pedalling burn a lot of calories. If so, Trump and Spicer will have six pack abs by the end of today.

   Several Russian prostitutes seen headed to Trump Golf Course in Virginia today for "meetings".

   hey punk below, you love winning then get the helll out of here

   Somewhere Dr. Fauci is screaming that we must limit the stores to 10 looters at a time.