Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hell hath no fury like a woman bored.

   Best pickup line: "I don't have a gag reflex."

   Apparently the “stop” button on Internet Explorer means “stop and also show me a blank useless screen regardless of what is visible when I press this button”

   Think a female friend has downgraded me from the 'Friend Zone' to the 'That-Guy-I-Used-to-Tell-My-Problems-to-When-I-Needed-Attention Area'

   Spell check is for the week.

   *walks into Starbucks.*.... "I'll have a large?.."... *alarm sounds, cage drops, baristas sharpen pitchforks*

   you know what's an odd habit? People who talk with their hands while talking on a cell phone........seriously.....who's that sh*t for?

   California just released their "Obamacare" insurance rates. They are pretty low, so I'm assuming that the death panels are not included in the basic plan....

   WTF........... Just saw a duck smiling at me like a Facebook girl

   I wish karma would send me email notifications.

   just heard the ad for the McDonalds New Fish Mcbites, I can only imagine them tasting like used Ben Wah balls.

   I am going into my sequester bunker now, someone call me when this nightmare is over! I am terrified......

   I still think Catholics should modernize and elect new Popes with a reality TV show.

   My insurance is so bad, I pay a co-pay to watch Dr. Oz

   Treat your woman like you treat your smartphone: touch her often, stare at her, and make her the most important thing in your life.

   better to let people know you're crazy up front than to be an imposter

   On your mark. Get set. Go get lost.

   An expert has predicted computers will eventually replace paper altogether. He has obviously never tried to wipe his ass with a laptop!

   Dad's writes on son's Facebook wall: "Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!

   Snooki has written another book, which is an amazing accomplishment considering she's still trying to learn how to read her first one.