Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I asked you to have sex with me... Would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this question?

   I know what I'm getting all my Mayan friends for Christmas!

   I'm the Taylor Swift of blaming others for my problems

   I always hold the door open for ladies, but they never want to get in the van...

   I used to think air was free. Then I bought a bag of potato chips...

   A lot of people are single because they value their peace of mind. Unhealthy relationships can be so damn stressful.

   i wish hot people stalked my life instead of losers

   Leave it to a collection of random motherf uckers I've never met to make me feel less like shi t, I love you guys

   Hey people who like to start conversations with complete strangers, knock that s$it off.

   I was just reading the obituaries there a some good houses coming on the market soon

   Hell hath no fury like a woman bored.

   Best pickup line: "I don't have a gag reflex."

   Apparently the “stop” button on Internet Explorer means “stop and also show me a blank useless screen regardless of what is visible when I press this button”

   Think a female friend has downgraded me from the 'Friend Zone' to the 'That-Guy-I-Used-to-Tell-My-Problems-to-When-I-Needed-Attention Area'

   Spell check is for the week.

   *walks into Starbucks.*.... "I'll have a large?.."... *alarm sounds, cage drops, baristas sharpen pitchforks*

   you know what's an odd habit? People who talk with their hands while talking on a cell phone........seriously.....who's that sh*t for?

   California just released their "Obamacare" insurance rates. They are pretty low, so I'm assuming that the death panels are not included in the basic plan....

   WTF........... Just saw a duck smiling at me like a Facebook girl

   I wish karma would send me email notifications.