Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Could you undress closer to the blinking red light?

   Man life is a bi+ch..why couldn't it be a slut? At least then it would be easy!

   No one wants to hear a guy say 'they're getting 8" tonight', hence the reason all weather reporters should be female, cuz who doesn't like to hear a woman talk dirty like that, even if it's about snow?

   My ex-wife was spending to much at the nail salon every month so I had her declawed... which later I was greatful for during the divorce.

   You don't find the meaning of life, the meaning of life finds you.

   I went to the movies cause people wanted to see Eclipse, So I slowly covered the projector beam. Caused a riot, at least I got a better show than what that movie would have been.

   So how many other corpses did Prince Charming kiss before he finally woke Snow White from her death sleep?

   Feels like kicking butt today - take a number and get in line

   Attn BP: When this is all over, will the Gulf of Mexico be regular, midgrade or premium?

   When I say "I understand", it doesn't mean I agree, it doesn't mean I understand, it doesn't even mean I'm listening.

   reality shows about cake bosses, exterminators, ghost chasing plumbers, douchey Jersey people , pawn brokers, repo guys, and vapid celebutards... what's next? A show about paint drying?

   I use the iPhone technique to keep a woman- I tell her I've grown, I've changed & that I'm 2x better. It changes everything.

   Hey old men, I don't know how it worked in the 1940's but today you don't have to talk to the person at the urinal next to you.

   How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on

   If Wheaties are “The Breakfast of Champions” then cold pizza has to be “The Late Night Snack of Fat Happy People”, right?

   Happy National Report Your Boss To HR Day everyone!!!

   OK ladies, my Dr said my heart is healthy enough for sex!!!

   Mother caught me jerkin it when I was 13. She asked my dad when would I stop: He told her she'd have to ask someone older than him.

   Don't worry, you'll never be lazier than the guy who named the washer and dryer.

   Please everyone,, Hit the "like" button for my friend Emma Lyon's bagged manure company... And her best selling product,, " Emma Lyon's Sack-o-Crap"