Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always remember to pillage before you burn.

   It must be spring, I just saw 2 crackheads pawning a space heater. Who needs a groundhog?

   I ate too much comfort food and now I'm a bean bag chair.

   Growing up my mom would take me to the toy store and be so patient as I sat their for a long time trying to make a decision about which toy to buy...thank God she doesn't have to go to the liquor store with me now.

   Did you ever stop to think if some of your friends were actually resulting mistakes made by their parents'...."Get-Together?"

   Facebook is perfect for me. It's the c0cktail party where you don't have to wait your turn to speak.

   Eating kidney beans is a very small step towards cannibalism...

   Got lucky opening an oyster yesterday. I found an oil filter.

   Nothing improves creativity more than a lack of supervision.

   I always try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.

   Could you undress closer to the blinking red light?

   Man life is a bi+ch..why couldn't it be a slut? At least then it would be easy!

   No one wants to hear a guy say 'they're getting 8" tonight', hence the reason all weather reporters should be female, cuz who doesn't like to hear a woman talk dirty like that, even if it's about snow?

   My ex-wife was spending to much at the nail salon every month so I had her declawed... which later I was greatful for during the divorce.

   You don't find the meaning of life, the meaning of life finds you.

   I went to the movies cause people wanted to see Eclipse, So I slowly covered the projector beam. Caused a riot, at least I got a better show than what that movie would have been.

   So how many other corpses did Prince Charming kiss before he finally woke Snow White from her death sleep?

   Feels like kicking butt today - take a number and get in line

   Attn BP: When this is all over, will the Gulf of Mexico be regular, midgrade or premium?

   When I say "I understand", it doesn't mean I agree, it doesn't mean I understand, it doesn't even mean I'm listening.