Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love the F word... Friday! What were you thinking?

   A woman is like a wine: the less classy, the more you can see its box

   Cashier: "Did you find everything you were looking for?" Me: "Nope - still single." Both of us: "Hahahaha!"

   Newsflash: Sorry libs, but what the MSM is saying is a lie. Trump does not own any stock in a company that makes hydroxychloroquine.

   These Bombings in Austin Could Have Been Avoided With Bomb Control Laws... Raising Bomb Making Age to 21 & "Bomb Free Zones"

   USA had 288 school shootings since 2009. In second place, we have France with 2. What are we doing wrong?

   Has he made America great yet?

   I think that blue wave everyone is talking about just waved goodbye! ;)

   Shout out to the FBI agents watching my Facebook

   Remember Kids: 'Stop, Drop and Roll' doesn't work in Hell ツ

   When Egypt had no internet, it was just called Gypt.

   When I text someone in the same room as me, I stare at them until they get it...

   It would be funny if in the last episode of How I Met Your Mother, Old Ted tells his kids "I'm just kidding, I never met your mother. You're adopted.

   Wait, did Peyton Manning get traded to the Broncos or the Falcons?

   Morgan Freeman's freckles and earring creeps me out.

   If you are a proud owner or planning on purchasing one of those hippy mobile Smart cars, I have some friendly advice for you.....OMG...F-OFF!!!!

   I was raised by my father----my mother left before I was born.

   Penguins can't fly, and I can't fly. therefore I am a penguin

   Love is Love and Sex is Sex. You don't need to be in love to have sex but you need good sex to stay in love. Some people's sex will make you fall in love.

   how do mexicans cut their pizza... with little ceasers