Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear coworker listening to your radio at a low volume instead of using headphones: country music sucks just as bad on 2 as it does on 10.

   Today is International Kissing Day!.....Who wants one?...Wait, let me put my teeth in First!!!

   TIP! Never wear a Santa hat with a jingle bell at the tip when trying to secretly jerk off in the women's bathroom stalls.

   I took a Russian model shopping. Got her lots of stuff. She called home and I overheard her say in Russian, "Mama, he eece a verry rich man!" Good thing she couldn't read the sign that said 'Dollar General'.

   If you cant take care of a baby, than dont have a baby..

   a hangover is god's way of saying "you kicked a$$ last night"

   it took me 8 months to teach thee tubby one to say row

   Google: "I have everything!" Facebook: "I know everybody!" Internet:"Without me, you all are nothing." Electricity: "Keep talking, bitc$es."

   Love the F word... Friday! What were you thinking?

   A woman is like a wine: the less classy, the more you can see its box

   Cashier: "Did you find everything you were looking for?" Me: "Nope - still single." Both of us: "Hahahaha!"

   These Bombings in Austin Could Have Been Avoided With Bomb Control Laws... Raising Bomb Making Age to 21 & "Bomb Free Zones"

   USA had 288 school shootings since 2009. In second place, we have France with 2. What are we doing wrong?

   Has he made America great yet?

   I think that blue wave everyone is talking about just waved goodbye! ;)

   Newsflash: Sorry libs, but what the MSM is saying is a lie. Trump does not own any stock in a company that makes hydroxychloroquine.

   Shout out to the FBI agents watching my Facebook

   Remember Kids: 'Stop, Drop and Roll' doesn't work in Hell ツ

   When Egypt had no internet, it was just called Gypt.

   When I text someone in the same room as me, I stare at them until they get it...