Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Guys need super powers. Girls have boobs. 
I wish I was the person that got to choose what posts go on the wall.If you make me spit my coffee from laughing then you made it : )
Shhh... someone with glasses is talking.
If people winked as much in real life as they do in text, this world would be a really creepy place.
Yo mama is so ugly that she practices birth control by leaving the lights on.
I've never met a vegan I didn't immediately hate.
A paper boy said to a customer ''Mr Smith, I wish I had 20 customers like you!'' ''Wow thats ice to hear considering I never tip and always pay late.'' said Smith The paper boy said ''I know, that's why I'd like 20 customers like you, I have 150 right now
Dear women who say “Everyone says I look younger than my age!” They're just being polite...you don't…
I wish there was a way to track down who got you sick so you can punch them in the face.
Apple Maps projects Obama to win Paraguay
The best part about living in a small town is when I don't know what i'm doing, someone else does.
I thought Sochi was uncooked fish?
Thank goodness Jehovah's Witnesses haven’t discovered Facebook yet. Let’s enjoy it while it lasts.
Thinking of starting a male version of the Red Hat Society. Come be a Purple Helmet with me, guys!
Waking up a 6yr old for school is a lot like AOL Online. Its slow, it whines and all progress is easily lost by electronic interference.
Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
Why do chicks say that they can count the number of dudes they been with on one hand?? B*tch you ain't got 20 fingers on one hand..
Nothing makes an 80 year old Grandma from St. Louis cuss like two ballplayers in a World Series Game who simply watch an easy to catch pop fly simply fall to the ground.
BTW: Is someone writing these down?... (my grandmother, after reading my status updates)
m old enough to remember when the lamest thing in the world was to take pictures of yourself, like you had no friends 