Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear women who say “Everyone says I look younger than my age!” They're just being polite...you don't…

   I wish there was a way to track down who got you sick so you can punch them in the face.

   Apple Maps projects Obama to win Paraguay

   The best part about living in a small town is when I don't know what i'm doing, someone else does.

   I thought Sochi was uncooked fish?

   Thank goodness Jehovah's Witnesses haven’t discovered Facebook yet. Let’s enjoy it while it lasts.

   Thinking of starting a male version of the Red Hat Society. Come be a Purple Helmet with me, guys!

   Waking up a 6yr old for school is a lot like AOL Online. Its slow, it whines and all progress is easily lost by electronic interference.

   Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.

   Why do chicks say that they can count the number of dudes they been with on one hand?? B*tch you ain't got 20 fingers on one hand..

   Nothing makes an 80 year old Grandma from St. Louis cuss like two ballplayers in a World Series Game who simply watch an easy to catch pop fly simply fall to the ground.

   BTW: Is someone writing these down?... (my grandmother, after reading my status updates)

   m old enough to remember when the lamest thing in the world was to take pictures of yourself, like you had no friends

   If women are never wrong, what happens if two women have a different opinion?

   Everytime I see a mattress on a car, I always think it's a prostitute making a house call.

   It looks like the joke will be on Hillary if she wins. She'll have to sit at the same desk Monica Lewinsky knelt under.......

   All of the best mistakes are worth making twice.

   Nothing describes my love life more than watching a declawed cat trying to scratch the sofa

   I drink Gatorade when I'm dehydrated because it replaces lost sodium, potassium, and yellow #5.

   Both my girlfriends think I'm cheating. I thought relationships were built on trust and being faithful