Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar!"

   When this girl at the art museum asked me who I like better, "Monet or Manet", I said "I liked mayonnaise." She just stared at me so I said it again, louder...Then she left... I guess she went to find me some mayonnaise.

   The sinking of the Titanic was tragic. At least we're doing everything we can to make sure something similar never happens again today by melting all icebergs.

   When I run for president, if you vote for me i'll make it so homeless people can't have dogs anymore.

   GIRLS DAD: "Don't let him touch you", BOYS DAD: "Get in there son."

   If Starbucks delivered, the world would be a better place!

   After years of hearing it, for once I would like to be the one saying, “Now get the hell out of my office?”

   Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

   Everybody's human - everybody makes mistakes. If you laugh it off and keep going and try to give it your best the next time around, people respect that.

   NYTimes: If Trump runs in '12, NBC might cancel "Celebrity Apprentice." He just got my vote

   Right now Bin Laden is in Hell with his 72 "virgins" cursing the iPhone app "use current location" and wondering why nobody showed him the fine print in the Qu'ran stating that the "virgins" were never specified as being female... or human, for that matte

   Looking @ a homeless guy on the bus, how does he know where to get off? ;)

   3 man code violations to report this week..1) seen a guy drinkin a can a diet pepsi with a straw 2) heard that two guys rode to work together on the same motorcycle 3) seen a guy driving a mini van with a doo rag on

   ... and just think what the accent will be like on that Hispanic Schwarzenegger kid

   rapture tip : Do not approach zombies even if you know them. That is not your Aunt Edna and she doesn't want a hug ... she wants your brains

   Well for Casey Anthony.... first is the book deals....then the movie deals....who said crime doesnt pay

   When you believe in success, you've already succeeded...

   'Everyday I'm shufflin!' Wait no, except on Fridays. I gotta get down on Fridays.

   Wondering if people will start looking at pictures of the moon in 'natural color' and not 'greyscale or B+W' like NASA has been showing us for 50+ years and realize a secret so profound, it will change the course of mankind forever...

   She has a Masters degree in lying but I have a PhD in recognizing bullsh*t.