Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING NEWS: Ben Affleck is cast as the next Batman, while Bradley ("Chelsea") Manning may appear in the next eX-man movie.

   my wife's pissed because she walked in while I was masterbating in the shower. OK, it was a baby shower, but still...

   Three favorite days of a boat owner: 1) The day he buys his boat 2) The day he sells his boat 3) The day a bomber is cornered in his boat.

   Here`s a bit of advice : advi

   My girl told me she was miserable in our relationship. She said she lost 10 lbs. I asked her if it was over and she said, "Not yet, I want to lose 15."

   got arrested last night...apparently pushing a hot wheel down the highway at 3 a.m. is frowned upon

   Now that I am older... I wear bell bottom pants so I can flash the guys a little easier!

   A tongue may have no bones, but it can break hearts

   If I were a Miss USA contestant, my go-to answer in the Q&A segment would be "Who cares? Did you see my rack and smile combo?"

   There's not many things more awkward than telling a guy with a rebel flag t-shirt you're from Gettysburg, Pa

   When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?

   "I enjoy short walks to the fridge" - Fat people personal ads

   Sarah Palin wants to trade Mark her name. What the hell's Mark gonna do with it??

   How come we can't say the word n*gro in a song but can have a group called Uncle Kracker?

   My least favorite part of Sunday mornings is being hungover when you have to find a place to hide the body.

   I'm training for the Super Bowl. Today's menu: 3 dozen wings, sliders, nachos and beer.

   ink I am gonna celebrate Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I'll invite everyone in my neighborhood to my house, have an enormous feast, and then kill them and take their land. Happy Thanksgiving CANADA!!

   Most dentist's chairs go up and down. The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual' . And the dentist said to me, Sir, please get out of the filing cabinet.

   I saw a K9 sheriff car with a bumper sticker that said "Got dope?"

   Don't hate me because I'm beautiful hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.