Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A tongue may have no bones, but it can break hearts

   If I were a Miss USA contestant, my go-to answer in the Q&A segment would be "Who cares? Did you see my rack and smile combo?"

   There's not many things more awkward than telling a guy with a rebel flag t-shirt you're from Gettysburg, Pa

   When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?

   "I enjoy short walks to the fridge" - Fat people personal ads

   Sarah Palin wants to trade Mark her name. What the hell's Mark gonna do with it??

   How come we can't say the word n*gro in a song but can have a group called Uncle Kracker?

   My least favorite part of Sunday mornings is being hungover when you have to find a place to hide the body.

   I'm training for the Super Bowl. Today's menu: 3 dozen wings, sliders, nachos and beer.

   ink I am gonna celebrate Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I'll invite everyone in my neighborhood to my house, have an enormous feast, and then kill them and take their land. Happy Thanksgiving CANADA!!

   Most dentist's chairs go up and down. The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual' . And the dentist said to me, Sir, please get out of the filing cabinet.

   I saw a K9 sheriff car with a bumper sticker that said "Got dope?"

   Don't hate me because I'm beautiful hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.

   R.I.P. Rodney King! Guess at the end, some people got along....... stick to pull you out of the pool with...

   It's funny how the things I like most on a woman are the things I like most on chickens....... "Legs and breast."

   New Year Resolutions are silly to me. If you're not on the right path already, the change of a new year won't help. Its just another day, just a different number.

   Just farted in CVS. I basically can't be tamed.

   Why do we feel safe under a blanket? It's not like a murderer will come thinking "I'm going to ki....Oh damn they're under a blanket!"

   Thanks to Facebook, whenever I go to a really great restaurant, I never tip the server. Instead, I write "Bob likes this" on the wall, flash them a thumbs up and walk out.

   Men are like trees, they take forever to grow up.