Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   TODAY ON MAURY with Romney Results: When It comes to America, You are not the President!

   I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

   Your Girlfriend's not listening to you? There's a slap for that.

   My last child support paymen is due tomorrow............I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

   met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

   I am dressing as an extinct species for Halloween...a hard working black man.

   MyWife: Remove my dress..Good.. Now slowly unhook my bra.. Nice..Take off my panties.. Mmm great......NOW DON'T EVER WEAR MY CLOTHES AGAIN!

   Instead of Bruno Mars performing at the Super bowl it should be Mick Mars and Motley Crue.

   I have over 500 FB friends but only 6 actual friends. And, I don't even like 2 of them…

   Heaven is Where: the Police are British, the Chefs are Italian, the Mechanics are German, the Lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   Boy says to girl; "have you ever had a Australian kiss?" Girl says; "whats that?" Boy says; "it's like a french kiss, but down undaa."

   The Beastie Boy's song, Paul Revere, is more historically accurate than what Sara Palin said about him.

   was playing "FARMVILLE" when immigration showed up and took all my workers ! ! ! !

   Casey Anthony and OJ Simpson are having a party tonight. Bring your duct tape and gloves for a killer time.

   Next Easter falls on 4/20. If that's not a sign from God that weed should be legalized, I don't know what is.

   Saw my ex walking down the street. Where's Tony Stewart when you need him??

   if you live in America, you have to read and speak English.. otherwise you better just be visiting."

   I like my girls how I like my cheese: Fat free American singles

   Blonde: "What do OMG, IDK, IDC, and GTG mean?? Brunette: Oh my God, I don't know, I don't care, and got to go" Blonde: Well, that's a bit rude fine bye