Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All through their lives while raising my kids, I consistently told them that when they grow up they should “do what you love.” I probably should have also mentioned that they should run like hell as soon as they heard the sirens.

   15.Now that I finally remembered to write 2012 as the date, I need to start writing 2013.

   all you ladies look better after some beertox...

   I just got down with *OPP. *Other People's Pizza. Sorry, Meg in accounting.

   The best thing about being an a$$hole is never having to worry if people like you, because the answer is always 'yes'.

   I love it when she's hot for me, or just hot for someone and I happen to be there.

   I think we should replace the Marriage vow "`Til death do we part" with "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

   I alway realise that they're crazy way too late in the game.

   Life's a garden. Bury your enemies in it.

   "Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance" -Alcohol

   I want to toss all my regrets away, but I know that I'll need one later.

   I hit a new low today. I used a cheat code on "The Biggest Loser Ultimate Workout" on my XBox Kinect

   I love how some people ignore the train wreck that is my life and actually try to ask me for advice with a straight face.

   I don't blame myself for getting lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

   I only clap because I am glad its over not because it was a great speech.

   Part of the reason I'm entertained by things that my girlfriend hates is because my girlfriend hates them.

   Browsers announce they have blocked pop up messages like they expect a congratulatory blow job after.

   Here, take my thunder. You don't have to steal it.

   We were too drunk to have thanks giving day in Australia. So we just praise every day after the invention of alcohol.

   When all is said and done then there is nothing left to say or do.