Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life's a garden. Bury your enemies in it.

   "Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance" -Alcohol

   I want to toss all my regrets away, but I know that I'll need one later.

   I hit a new low today. I used a cheat code on "The Biggest Loser Ultimate Workout" on my XBox Kinect

   I love how some people ignore the train wreck that is my life and actually try to ask me for advice with a straight face.

   I don't blame myself for getting lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

   I only clap because I am glad its over not because it was a great speech.

   Part of the reason I'm entertained by things that my girlfriend hates is because my girlfriend hates them.

   Browsers announce they have blocked pop up messages like they expect a congratulatory blow job after.

   Here, take my thunder. You don't have to steal it.

   We were too drunk to have thanks giving day in Australia. So we just praise every day after the invention of alcohol.

   When all is said and done then there is nothing left to say or do.

   I always keep an emergency $25 gift card in my back pocket for those unexpected gifts that I get from people I wasn't expecting to get a gift from..

   I made the mistake of getting my girlfriend an ipad mini for christmas. Now ipad gets more facetime than me. :(

   I just saw the trailer for the upcoming motion picture "Exodus". I guess guy-liner was the thing in ancient Egyptian times.

   PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome.

   Did anyone ever have a nightmare where your smart phone gets destroyed... and then you wake up? Best feeling ever.

   I never heard of her either. Amanda who ?

   Looks at growing laundry piles *Deep sigh... Kids , we're nudists now

   I typed hahahahahaha,,, and it got autocorrected to hahaha and I was like,, "yeah, you're probably right"