Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is nothing but anticipation followed by feelings of nostalgia for times that really weren't all that great.

   The average tourist wants to go to places where there are no tourists

   ow you know your neighbor is a redneck when your jack-o-lantern has more teeth then she does.

   The perfect man is the one that can afford my therapy bills.

   I shot my girlfriend with a cupid's arrow thinking that she would fall more in love with me, but now she's just laying there on the ground ignoring me.

   Weekend forecast: feasting, imbibing and severe debauchering!

   What is up with all these Government drones? I can't even fly a freaking kite anymore.

   This "doing nothing" lark is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I'm done? :(

   It's Friday... Of course it's good : )

   You're not superstitious; you're super-stupid!

   I'm single by choice. Too bad the choice wasn't mine.

   I'm sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to order pizza and watch tv.

   I'm not addicted to alcohol. I`m just in an abusive relationship with it.

   If you expect a good comeback, come back later.

   Now..a cheaper way to express your love...----E-cards !

   I only go to strip clubs to beg the strippers to release and feed the goldfish in their heels.

   Frogs always look like they just found out there's no free Wi-Fi.

   There's no better feeling than proving someone wrong.

   Just realize its XXX Olympics. Why aren't the people naked when they get their medals??

   I've just spent the last 5 hours on mine craft accomplishing more than I ever will in real life