Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not that I'm so smart , it's just that I stay with problems longer

   The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege

   thinks reality is a nice place to live, but sometimes feels like relocating

   why were the uruguayains yellow carded so much in the match against korea , coz they kept running over the parks

   Once you've resolved to stop Googling yourself, the Internet really doesn't have much to offer.

   Any views which are expressed and any similarity of persons portrayed to any actual persons living or dead in the following status message is purely incidental...

   New Word: Procrastibation - Needing to do something important like laundry, but decide that getting off is more important!

   Figures, the only time the world beat a path to my door and I am taking a crap in the bathroom..

   So, I guess the FDA has approved the "week-after" pill - the perfect remedy for those not so skilled at time/pants management.

   He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

   the most humiliating walk of shame includes a Halloween costume...smile

   I wonder if Pitbull reallizes that he is the NEXT Li'L John ?

   Women do not understand men because they don't have to, Men don't understand women because they are crazy.

   I think all women can agree that bigger is better. Nobody wants a small bank account.

   A cool way to second guess your entire life is to go online and read reviews of every movie you think is awesome.

   Looks like ''Assdusky'' is going to be happy now! Lots of younger men, and for a long long time! Enjoy that Comfy bed!!!

   Women want a man who can read them like a book, so long as he is proficient in braille.

   I don't use Siri because I have to deal with enough b*tches who have no personality and know everything.

   If your chinese store dont have bullet proof glass then your not in the hood.!

   if family visits tonight dressed as zombies, I just might start palying "resident evil...the wii version"