Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.

   Hell hath no fury like a woman misunderstood.

   Offering chewing gums to kids whose parents can't control them

   I'll have plenty of time to be tolerant when I'm dead.

   I was gonna call you... but I'm still sober.

   please take down your engagement photos I'M ALLERGIC

   I am taken best with a shot of whiskey.

   Unfortunately, these days being fake doesn't require any plastic surgery!

   If you have to ask if the sex was good... It wasn't.

   I’ll keep texting you after you “yup” me. IDGAF.

   I don't try to annoy people; its just a gift.

   Research has shown that more than 70% of apologies are meaningless bullsh*t.

   Keep calm and pretend it never happened.

   A taser, but for people who say, "everything happens for a reason."

   Personally, I think it's bull that Russia didn't host the Winter Olympics in Chernobyl

   I buy all my snowstorm supplies at the liquor store

   I Swear This Is The Last Time I Watch Groundhog Day

   I'm not giving any more money to the homeless. They're just going to spend it on cardboard and Sharpies.

   My daughter just asked me about evolution in line at Walmart.

   Valentines Day: A woman is sitting at home with her husband and says, "I love you." He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?" She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."