Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How did a fool and his money ever get together in the first place?

   Just try ask for a cigar break at work and see the reactions you get.

   What doesn't kill me makes my wife go back to the drawing board and try just a little harder the next time.

   The reason wedding invitations go out so far in advance is to give guests time to find something else to do.

   No, whenever there's trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

   I don't wanna be lonely. I just wanna be alone.

   Why can't they give scary names to typhoons? Like Chaos or Obliterator or Shaniqua. Vongfong sounds like something you've just taken out from a Chinese restaurant.

   Don't just tell her she is beautiful, make her believe it. Then slap her ass and tell her to keep up the good f*cking work.

   Why buy sex when you can lease it in a relationship. . .

   I have been drinking a lot of wine and crying a lot lately and I blame my feminine side for this.

   The drunker I get, the more I loves y'all .

   A weekend getaway is a nice way for couples to argue with different scenery.

   I'd be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.

   Hell hath no fury like a woman misunderstood.

   Offering chewing gums to kids whose parents can't control them

   I'll have plenty of time to be tolerant when I'm dead.

   I was gonna call you... but I'm still sober.

   please take down your engagement photos I'M ALLERGIC

   I am taken best with a shot of whiskey.

   Unfortunately, these days being fake doesn't require any plastic surgery!