Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

   My philosophy? People who have creepy dungeons probably don't wear a watch. So, when a stranger asks for the time, I pepper spray them.

   Dear Netfix, Thanks for playing all these post apocalyptic pandemic movies where people get infected and eat each other helping lift my spirits knowing that things could always be worse!

   I’ve just been called weird by my son who won’t sleep without his giant 7 foot stuffed jalapeño right next to him

   My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

   oh shiit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and I legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

   Security Guard: You can't bring outside food in here Me: This is a service burrito

   Just turned on an old Windows 7 machine that hasn’t been used in 10 years. “Installing update 1 of 97”

   Sitting at the window with my dog watching people go by outside and barking at them

   A George Harrison memorial tree was killed by actual beetles. No word yet on if Davy Jones memorial was attacked by monkeys.

   The vending machine gave me an extra bag of Skittles today, hope my Dad loves his Father's Day gift.

   Frito Lay should roll out a new cinnamon sugar version of Cheetos called Sweetos, they will also help you acquire Diabetos.

   My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.

   You have to figure that Shaquille O'Neal never signs greeting cards "Love, Shaq" because that band the B-52's came out with that song and pretty much ruined it for him.

   Breasts are to men as diamonds are to women. The bigger they are, the dumber we get.

   BREAKING: After the Cavs won the NBA title, rioters in Cleveland are expected to cause $10 million in improvements.

   Found Dory in my fish burger today, she was delicious.

   Facebook didn't tell me it's your birthday is an awesome 21st century excuse.

   They should totally turn that Game of Thrones show into a book.

   Tips To Gain My Friendship: 1) Have a cat. 2) Show me photos of your cat. 3) Invite me over to pet your cat. 4) Be a cat. 5) Cat.