Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Has anyone got a spare ‘medically induced coma’ I can borrow ?

   I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

   Babysitter rates going up when this things over!

   when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

   Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

   Your biggest mistake was grossly underestimating the number of egg rolls I can eat.

   I just unzipped my skinny jeans and it startled me like a freshly poked tube of biscuit dough.

   Worried about social distancing when you're out? Dress up as a clown and make it other people's problem

   Do to the Coronavirus I have some concert tickets for sale, cheap! concert not included.

   I'm at the store with my 2 kids. A guy asked me if they were twins. I told him, "One is 8 and the other is 4, why would you ask that?" He said, "I can't believe you got laid twice!"

   I don’t have any nudes but can I interest you in a picture of me elbows deep in a bucket of fried chicken?

   Why do people feel safe under blankets? It's not like the Killer is going to think "I'm going to kil... ahh damn it, he's under the blanket!"

   The cemeteery has raised its burial cost. They're blaming the cost of living.

   I don't rise and shine, the best I can do is get up and gripe.

   I wish there were private counselors who would meet you at a chipotle and let you pour your heart out while you stuff your face.

   I guess winning the Super Bowl wasn't the happy ending Robert Kraft was looking for.

   Somewhere at this moment there is a masseuse with a ring from Super Bowl XXXVI walking into a Pawn Shop.

   I can't get over how intelligent smartphones are getting as mine just filmed a 20-minute documentary about itself all on its own about its life in a pocket.

   When you will lie about anything, you will lie about everything.

   Give up carbs?? Over my bread body!!