Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought some skinny jeans… but they're 2 sizes too big, so I just call them jeans.

   Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

   in need of some long johns

   You sounded funny to your followers until I blocked you.

   Paula Deen selling Diabetes Drugs is like Courtney Love selling methadone.

   What do women want? (I'm bored and this should be very entertaing)

   The BIG difference between men and women is that women will complain if they switched genders while men will appreciate the opportunity!

   was planning to do something today, but I havent finished doing nothing from yesterday

   We had a happy marriage; it was all that living together afterwards that caused the trouble.

   face down ass up that's the way I like to.... um pick up some change I dropped.

   A drunk person is just an awesome version of a sober person.

   I'll rather slip and fall in sh!t than fall in love with you!

   just wore tampon applicaters as earrings in the mall and no one noticed.

   People say, "You have to work on a marriage." No thank you. I already have a job.

   Let's face it, if St. Paddy's Day wasn't about getting completely sh*tfaced, we'd be celebrating it in the same manner we celebrate Arbor Day. (Shaddap! That's funny!)

   I pretty much need a girl to love me for what's on the outside at this point. The inside has been broken for a while and I've been trying to fix it with booze ever since.

   You know you're getting old when the kids on the train think your 56k modem dial-up ringtone must be the new song by Skrillex,

   Updates are like performing live music. Often the audience goes wild for your mediocre solo but sleeps through one you think is brilliant.

   Scientists are coming closer to unlocking the secret to why the average American owns 40 pairs of jeans but only wears 3 or 4 of them.

   Reminder: Everybody be sure to get your taxes in on time! We wouldn't want the secret service to go unfunded and miss out on the important work they must do!