Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Admit it, we've all tried to splash water in our face like the commercials.

   My girlfriend said we can't hang out this weekend because she doesn't exist.

   I'd like to help, but not as much as I'd like not to.

   Kim Cattrall must be pretty tired of acting like she's sexy.

   I will be the first rapper to rap about the troubles of programming a spare Garage Door Opener remote.

   Women like foreign accents my ass… I've been talking like Marvin the Martian all night and haven't gotten one single phone number.

   I bought some skinny jeans… but they're 2 sizes too big, so I just call them jeans.

   Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

   in need of some long johns

   You sounded funny to your followers until I blocked you.

   Paula Deen selling Diabetes Drugs is like Courtney Love selling methadone.

   What do women want? (I'm bored and this should be very entertaing)

   The BIG difference between men and women is that women will complain if they switched genders while men will appreciate the opportunity!

   was planning to do something today, but I havent finished doing nothing from yesterday

   We had a happy marriage; it was all that living together afterwards that caused the trouble.

   face down ass up that's the way I like to.... um pick up some change I dropped.

   A drunk person is just an awesome version of a sober person.

   I'll rather slip and fall in sh!t than fall in love with you!

   just wore tampon applicaters as earrings in the mall and no one noticed.

   People say, "You have to work on a marriage." No thank you. I already have a job.