Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not a mover and a shaker but instead I'm a wiggler and jiggler.

     If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

   Wonders if there is a cure for "dumbassness" if so, I know a few people who need a dose.

   A new study found that the average person has lost an hour of sleep at night during the recession....the silver lining though is that most of them can just sleep in late the next day.

   As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio

   why is there a diet version of everything good except chocolate? hmm...where does Hershey's keep their "suggestion box"?

   it's 3a.m...shouldn't YOU be baking?

   I'm watching this show on stalkers, still haven't seen any of you yet.

   You know things are tough when my retirement plan consist of playing the lottery :(

   Schizophrenia - together I can beat it.

   i'm not an alcoholic the world just feels better when i'm drunk

   Sorry to all those that thought they were going to loot my stuff once the Apocalypse started last night..........Apparently I'm still needed here for something.

   If you have something to say raise your hand, and put it over your mouth.

   My lungs and liver are the best of friends when I'm at the bars

   Dear Budget Models; the bathroom is for sh*tting, pissing and showering, not for photo shoots

   She may think your tractor's sexy but she rides mine. ;0)

   Woman who wear something from Victoria's Secret, have no more secrets.

   If you call my house and fail to leave a message, you deserve to be screened.

   Your Disinterest In My Future...Explains Your Role In It.

   I still don't know why they call it Virgin Atlantic. My plane was full of skanks who wouldn't take no for an answer!