Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it's 3a.m...shouldn't YOU be baking?

   I'm watching this show on stalkers, still haven't seen any of you yet.

   You know things are tough when my retirement plan consist of playing the lottery :(

   Schizophrenia - together I can beat it.

   i'm not an alcoholic the world just feels better when i'm drunk

   Sorry to all those that thought they were going to loot my stuff once the Apocalypse started last night..........Apparently I'm still needed here for something.

   If you have something to say raise your hand, and put it over your mouth.

   My lungs and liver are the best of friends when I'm at the bars

   Dear Budget Models; the bathroom is for sh*tting, pissing and showering, not for photo shoots

   She may think your tractor's sexy but she rides mine. ;0)

   Woman who wear something from Victoria's Secret, have no more secrets.

   If you call my house and fail to leave a message, you deserve to be screened.

   Your Disinterest In My Future...Explains Your Role In It.

   I still don't know why they call it Virgin Atlantic. My plane was full of skanks who wouldn't take no for an answer!

   LOVE: If you need direction, search your heart. If you still can't find the answer, search through your significant other's sh!t.

   If I were Zorro, I'd hand out business cards with a Z on them. That way I wouldn't have to take my sword everywhere.

   When you weigh under 150 pounds in prison you're literally doing hard time.

   I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body -- this is a tell nobody.

   Did you thank God for not looking like Rick Ross or Chris Bosh today?

   It's annoying when you think of an awesome idea or thing to do and within the next few minutes, you completely forget what it was, but the memory of how awesome it was stil lingers..