Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate not seeing someone for awhile and they tell you all the things they post in Facebook.

   "Sealed for your protection!" Should actually read, "Sealed to make your life difficult!"

   strongly suspects that the cable, that was holding the blimp, was installed by Comcast.

   A woman's biggest fear is being alone and a mans biggest fear is being broke

   My girlfriend wears the pants in our relationship...I just take them off of her.

   Half of writing history is hiding the truth. :)

   I would consider marriage if it came with a better benefits package.

   The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

   Only 309 days until Halloween!!

   "Detectives, we have a grisly murder whose investigation will be most likely result in being killed. Who's one day away from retirement?"

   Don't run from your problems, chase them with alcohol.

   If you are the 10,000th person to pee in a fitness club shower confetti drops & you win a 6 mo. membership... Or so I'm told,,,, Wear sandals

   Fact: you don't have to be a Girl Scout to sell Girl Scout cookies, hussle smart my friends

   I'd imagine unicorn tastes a little gamey with magical undertones.

   Drinking Grey-goose with Crystal.. at least I think that's her name.

   I've decided to give up my pre-workout glass of prune juice.

   I'm at my most Oprah when I'm giving out the airplaine liquor bottles stashed in my purse to all the mom's at a kid's birthday party.

   Mayweather landed more punches on his wife than he did on Manny.

   Why doesn't my kitchen deliver?

   Looks like LeBron is done till cramp begins next season.