Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would consider marriage if it came with a better benefits package.

   The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

   Only 309 days until Halloween!!

   "Detectives, we have a grisly murder whose investigation will be most likely result in being killed. Who's one day away from retirement?"

   Don't run from your problems, chase them with alcohol.

   If you are the 10,000th person to pee in a fitness club shower confetti drops & you win a 6 mo. membership... Or so I'm told,,,, Wear sandals

   Fact: you don't have to be a Girl Scout to sell Girl Scout cookies, hussle smart my friends

   I'd imagine unicorn tastes a little gamey with magical undertones.

   Drinking Grey-goose with Crystal.. at least I think that's her name.

   I've decided to give up my pre-workout glass of prune juice.

   I'm at my most Oprah when I'm giving out the airplaine liquor bottles stashed in my purse to all the mom's at a kid's birthday party.

   Mayweather landed more punches on his wife than he did on Manny.

   Why doesn't my kitchen deliver?

   Looks like LeBron is done till cramp begins next season.

   When a chicken crosses the road it is poultry in motion.

   Financial planning? You mean being pretty?

   Been teaching the grandkids about taxes at DQ by eating 38% of their ice cream.......

   Sweep her off her feet guys. Chicks are really impressed with UFC skills

   A group of babies is called i'm leaving

   I got to work late this morning so I have to leave early to make up for it.