Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to be the reason you cry when you see a happy couple.

   A girl I barely know told me I should shave my beard, I told her she should lose 20lbs. I'll never have to hear her complain about not liking it again

   In Australia we don't have therapists, we have things called pubs.

   Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you're not hanging out with enough people.

   " Don't forget to provide love and support to someone that has absolutely no interest in you today." I don't guarantee your front teeth after that.

   She's saving herself for marriage, I'm saving myself for divorce.

   If you can't handle my Kung Fu noises in the bedroom, then it's probably not going to work out.

   If you have never fantasized about murdering me you've never been my girlfriend.

   If a girl ever tells you to your face that you can’t afford her-listen to her. No matter how rich or poor you are, she is too cheap for you.

   Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

   They told me I can't sit in the parking lot anymore and post that I'm working out. So I guess I'll go in and give it a try...

   Jesus take the wheel I'm taking a selfie.

   My relationship status went from being "single" to "still single"

   Voices woke me up in the middle of the night, champagne was a ripoff & I'm still trying to leave. 1 star. -online review of Hotel California

   I hate not seeing someone for awhile and they tell you all the things they post in Facebook.

   "Sealed for your protection!" Should actually read, "Sealed to make your life difficult!"

   strongly suspects that the cable, that was holding the blimp, was installed by Comcast.

   A woman's biggest fear is being alone and a mans biggest fear is being broke

   My girlfriend wears the pants in our relationship...I just take them off of her.

   Half of writing history is hiding the truth. :)