Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did anyone tell the Broncos what time the game started?

   My coffee mug can hold it's liquor better than yours.

   You ever notice that the people with the most insecurities are the loudest?

   I'm also available in sober

   She likes it when you call/text her, but, not too much and not too little. And, she won't tell you how much or little and it changes constantly. Good luck!!

   Now that's news! That poor rat was yanked out of his mailbox this morning and predicted that all the people watching in the cold were idiots.

   Another first half blowout? *waits for the lights to go out*

   No matter where in the world your from....From Brisbane to London to Denver...It's official...Broncos SUCKS!!!

   Women have no issue with their man having a female friend *as long as she's elderly, obese or severely disabled

   All these folks (mainly women) wanting to see a 50 Shades of Gray movie or Magic Mike 2. Should we tell them they can watch MUCH better porn online for free?

   I actually never like to touch baby carrots,,, because I'm afraid the mother will reject them.

   Cute but Psycho: That is a funny way to spell "woman".

   .... OK .... Ya .... I'm a dude .... But I swear I'm not gay .... However .... I can't believe my Valentine's date is going to consist of cuddling up with a guy named Johnnie Walker and watching porn!

   Don't be a twatsicle.

   Never fry bacon while naked.

   Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

   ..... Apparently Ben Carson did the best in tonight's Debate ....

   If the Apple/FBI conflict proves anything, it's that the NSA really doesn't have all of your personal information like people claim...

   I am an acquired taste. If you don't like me, acquire some taste.

   I was a young rebel as a toddler. I smoked candy cigarettes and took tic-tacs.