Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Another first half blowout? *waits for the lights to go out*

   No matter where in the world your from....From Brisbane to London to Denver...It's official...Broncos SUCKS!!!

   Women have no issue with their man having a female friend *as long as she's elderly, obese or severely disabled

   All these folks (mainly women) wanting to see a 50 Shades of Gray movie or Magic Mike 2. Should we tell them they can watch MUCH better porn online for free?

   I actually never like to touch baby carrots,,, because I'm afraid the mother will reject them.

   Cute but Psycho: That is a funny way to spell "woman".

   .... OK .... Ya .... I'm a dude .... But I swear I'm not gay .... However .... I can't believe my Valentine's date is going to consist of cuddling up with a guy named Johnnie Walker and watching porn!

   Don't be a twatsicle.

   Never fry bacon while naked.

   Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

   ..... Apparently Ben Carson did the best in tonight's Debate ....

   If the Apple/FBI conflict proves anything, it's that the NSA really doesn't have all of your personal information like people claim...

   I am an acquired taste. If you don't like me, acquire some taste.

   I was a young rebel as a toddler. I smoked candy cigarettes and took tic-tacs.

   Unicorns are real -- They're just fat, grey and we call them Rhinos.

   Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.

   For those that don't know, I'm getting married on May 7th. Since it's short notice don't worry about bringing wedding gifts, just bring someone for me to marry. Thanks

   3 AM Phone Call: Hey are you asleep? – No, I was in coma thank you for rescuing me!!!

   My family's recipe for lasagna has been handed down for generations: 1) Collect the freshest ingredients. 2) Find a woman cook it. 3) Eat....

   I should be thwarting evil or something. I never get to thwart anything. I believe I could thwart.