Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who me? Oh I'm just wondering how long it took Kim K to get all that oil off her ass

   I think the government needs to create a "dollar menu". Might not be "Healthy" , but It definitely saves money.

   When I die, I want to be buried with some random animal bone just to confuse future archaeologists.

   Life didn't hand me lemons. I picked them myself.

   Some of you people are great.... Others should be towed a safe distance and blown up as precaution.

   I'm black, but not "free Pookie even though I know he robbed that store" black.

   If websites had closing hours divorces, murder and pregnancy would double.

   My high-school was a magnet school. All the girls were repelled by me.

   Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

   Nothing says "I would rather be with someone else" quite like cheating.

   Pop corn isn’t meant to be eaten grain by grain. Stick your hand in the box, take a handful and shove it onto your face. Live a little.

   How can I lose weight if the best part of my day is based on food?

   Being 100% Italian affords me the luxury of possessing the knowledge to stay away from Italian women.

   Truthful Tuesday: Deep down,, I don't believe that paper beats rock.

   Did anyone tell the Broncos what time the game started?

   My coffee mug can hold it's liquor better than yours.

   You ever notice that the people with the most insecurities are the loudest?

   I'm also available in sober

   She likes it when you call/text her, but, not too much and not too little. And, she won't tell you how much or little and it changes constantly. Good luck!!

   Now that's news! That poor rat was yanked out of his mailbox this morning and predicted that all the people watching in the cold were idiots.