Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   january 2014: "this will be my year" august 2014: "I swear 2015 will be my year"

   I've decided that I'm never going to get back to my original weight and I'm OK with that. After all, 6 lbs 7 oz. isn't a realistic expectation.

   The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing us that there is soul mate out there for all of us. What if your soulmate existed at a different timeline, and you missed each other by 2 centuries?

   The pharmacist asked if I had any questions so I asked where he lived and where he keeps his office keys

   Dateline gives excellent tips on killing someone.

   If weekdays were food, Mondays would be a saltine.

   Who me? Oh I'm just wondering how long it took Kim K to get all that oil off her ass

   I think the government needs to create a "dollar menu". Might not be "Healthy" , but It definitely saves money.

   When I die, I want to be buried with some random animal bone just to confuse future archaeologists.

   Life didn't hand me lemons. I picked them myself.

   Some of you people are great.... Others should be towed a safe distance and blown up as precaution.

   I'm black, but not "free Pookie even though I know he robbed that store" black.

   If websites had closing hours divorces, murder and pregnancy would double.

   My high-school was a magnet school. All the girls were repelled by me.

   Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

   Nothing says "I would rather be with someone else" quite like cheating.

   Pop corn isn’t meant to be eaten grain by grain. Stick your hand in the box, take a handful and shove it onto your face. Live a little.

   How can I lose weight if the best part of my day is based on food?

   Being 100% Italian affords me the luxury of possessing the knowledge to stay away from Italian women.

   Truthful Tuesday: Deep down,, I don't believe that paper beats rock.