Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When people say they can't do something because their hands are full I always hope their hands are full of twinkies.

   my speedo disappeared under my belly, I look naked....decisions, decisions, either stop swimmin or diet..yeah, no swimming this yr

   Some say I have the body of a 60 year old man, others say I have the body of a 13 year old girl. All I can say is, The police found nothing!

   Am I allowed to see the Hunger Games on a full stomach?

   If I give you a tour of my house, in every room I'll say, "This is where the magic happens!",,, and you'll feel super weird about it.

   Depending on whether I win the Mega Millions..... I'll either be having my birthday party this year at the Space Station or the local VFW. Standby

   My daily needs: Food 20% + Water 5% + Sleep 15% + Internet- 60%.

   We may hate drunk people, but at the end of the day, they are the ONLY ones who speak the real TRUTH!

   has lost her mood ring and is not sure how she should feel about this..

   If you're happy and you know it...I'll have whatever it is you're drinking! :P

   Hip Hop in the 90s was more simple. You always knew you could find all the party people in the house.

   I did really well when I worked at the carnival. I guessed people's temperature within 5 degrees

   Ladies: There is no sign language in love. If he didn't say it, he didn't mean it. Stop assuming and putting words into his mouth.

   Realizing my office stash of vodka is gone... this is what it feels like when doves cry.

   What do the Chicago Cubs and possums have in common? Both play dead at home and both get killed on the road!

   That moment when you wake up the next morning laying in bed next to the one you just fell in love with and you lay there trying to remember their name? GOD I MISS MY 20'S!

   To unsubscribe from our mailing list, please catch a wild bear and bring it to our headquarters where you will have to wrestle it and win

   Gardening would be a great hobby if I didn't hate plants or going outside or doing things

   Has anyone ever checked their credit score and got a sad face emoji in place of the number? Asking for a friend.

   I love my women like I love my coffee beans. Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.