Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pedro, just listen to your heart. That's what I do." -Napoleon Dynamite

   Sometimes, it's not so easy being Fearless Leader.

   could easily become the "Crazy Cat Lady" for Halloween. I could wear my everyday clothes and pin all the neighborhood strays to them......

   stupid campaign commercials. Because of them, Everytime before I "Like" someone else's status I say to myself. My name is 'X' and I approve this message

   BBC Sport: "Liverpool want Fanni" - Don't we all.

   Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

   An optamist can easily be let down, but a pessamist will never be dissapointed.

   got food poisoning yesterday. Just not sure who to use it on yet.

   I haven't cooked for myself in a while, and that was a delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

   Some women should just come with talk plans like my cell phone, because after to much conversation my MIND starts roaming!

   An angry mob of nerds can be dangerous. The only thing stopping them from tipping cars is physical ability.

   I hope aliens don't land in the next few years, because this is a really embarrassing time for humanity!

   Don't drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm going to need that back...

   anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?

   It’s going to be a lot harder to overthrow the US Government on Pinterest.

   So. . . Are they gonna use the NFL cardboard cutouts for an audience?

   Just give the Hedge Funds a 600 dollars check. They will be fine.

   I STILL remember grandpa's last words to me. Lighting a match next to the gas pump, he said, "What's this warning label say?"

   Fear of Corona is on the decline....... Release the Murder Hornets.

   I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I'm Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.