Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there's any indication of my laziness... just ask the dime in my wash machine, that used to be a quarter.

   Just walked in the room and the girl on the news was saying"we like it to be at least 10 inches but we prefer it to be longer than 12 inches.She was talking about people donating hair.Thank goodness.

   Evidently,,,,,, my admirers are all secret

   TLC is getting so lazy with show titles... btw "My giant face tumor" is on tonight.

   My girlfriend accused me of faking it in bed last night, and she was right. I wasn't asleep at all.

   The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is sure, just talk about Passive Aggressive Club all you want... No, It's fine. Go ahead.. I don't mind.. WHATEVER..

   Get drunk and screw = dating ... Get drunk and argue = married

   Ever notice that as soon as you wash your car, sprinklers that you have never seen before suddenly become active just as you drive up.

   My wife is a banquet cook... If it says Banquet on the box, she can cook it!

   Has anyone seen my sisters baby I'm supposed to be watching? It's no big deal, just let me know. Time is becoming an issue.

   Yellow, Orange, Red. Gatorade has colors, not flavors.

   I hate when people only talk to me when they need something.

   The worst part of our relationship is... I started loving her for the day I saw her...And She started loving me from the day she lost me..

   I just rubbed my cat back and forth on the carpet for 10 minutes,,, and now he can shoot lightning bolts out of his mouth.

   I love you, babe, of course you can get whatever you want...whoa, whoa, let's keep it on the dollar menu, though, ok?

   would imagine there really isn't any market for sea shells down by the sea shore considering the abundance of free sea shells.

   Wife: Have a super terrific day pumpkin head. Me: You too poop face. Yes we have this marriage thing locked down.

   I'm trying to teach my youngest daughter how to share her toys by watching Sesame Street, Yo Gabba Gabba, and Tony Romo highlights on Sportscenter.

   I get ignored by women so much that they call me "Terms And Conditions".

   Ever notice the bigger the girl, the more Looney Tunes characters she has on her shirt.