Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever notice that as soon as you wash your car, sprinklers that you have never seen before suddenly become active just as you drive up.

   My wife is a banquet cook... If it says Banquet on the box, she can cook it!

   Has anyone seen my sisters baby I'm supposed to be watching? It's no big deal, just let me know. Time is becoming an issue.

   Yellow, Orange, Red. Gatorade has colors, not flavors.

   I hate when people only talk to me when they need something.

   The worst part of our relationship is... I started loving her for the day I saw her...And She started loving me from the day she lost me..

   I just rubbed my cat back and forth on the carpet for 10 minutes,,, and now he can shoot lightning bolts out of his mouth.

   I love you, babe, of course you can get whatever you want...whoa, whoa, let's keep it on the dollar menu, though, ok?

   would imagine there really isn't any market for sea shells down by the sea shore considering the abundance of free sea shells.

   Wife: Have a super terrific day pumpkin head. Me: You too poop face. Yes we have this marriage thing locked down.

   I'm trying to teach my youngest daughter how to share her toys by watching Sesame Street, Yo Gabba Gabba, and Tony Romo highlights on Sportscenter.

   I get ignored by women so much that they call me "Terms And Conditions".

   Ever notice the bigger the girl, the more Looney Tunes characters she has on her shirt.

   Dear Lord; On the road today. Please give me the strength not to run people over and make pancakes out of them. I have no syrup.

   It appears I'm friends with at least 200 babies on Facebook.

   You like Justin Bieber? Well good for you! I like the smell of my own fart, but you don't see me bragging about it.

   Dear Derrick Rose: Can you come up with even more excuses why you aren't playing despite being 100% healthy??

   I'm really a fat person trapped in a fatter person body.

   I dance a little in my chair while I'm eating one of my fave meals..... Don't judge me -_-

   Every branch is full of hard-working intelligent people that always has our best interest in mind...I love the way our government it run. Are you getting this NSA?