Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you text me first it is YOUR opportunity to keep the conversation going...

   At what point, did my pain become your pleasure?

   been getting a lot of calls and texts about R.E.M.'s break up, relax people, it's not the end of the world as we know it.

   I have to ask my wife where she wants to go for dinner at 1 pm so that the restaurant is still open once she finally makes a decision

   According to the TV ads, using Crest whitening strips will make your teeth shiny enough to use as an illumination devices.

   pretty sure he knows people who stood in line for a second helping of "a special kind of stupid."

   That's not YOUR girl. She's OUR girl. We just keep her at your house, but she's both of ours.

   Your not fooling no one! is a horrible use of double negatives, and its you're. *You're not fooling anyone would be the correct way

   the 1st amendment gives you the freedom of speech but the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms

   Be sure to drink your Charliesheen!

   who ever said that it takes two to fight never seen the crackhead at 7-11 yelling at the wall I love niagara falls

   Thx Burger King breakfast for letting me experience Prison Food!

   Dealing with haters is all about mind over matter. I don't mind cuz you don't matter.

   Nothing important, move along....

   I miss Wesley Snipes. That man could act. You really believed for a moment that he was afraid of Michael Jackson in the Bad video.

   Guys, You Know It Must Of Been One Hell Of A Night When You Can't Pee Straight... Err, I Mean See Straight.

   If i'm weird with you, it means I'm comfortable with you.

   A good box of wine will turn any ordinary meal into an extraordinary meal.

   Born free. Now, I'm expensive.

   Sorry nobody seems to want to tell all the spanish people out there so allow me "Osama está muerto."