Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the scariest costume I saw was a woman dressed as the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Either that or Nancy Pelosi had just come out of a Botox appointment.

   ... Rule #1: The Police Officer is ALWAYS Right. ..... Rule #2: If the Police Officer is ever Wrong, refer to Rule #1

   OK am not one to brag..but I think I deserve a medal..I Just rescued a beer that was trapped in the fridge!

   I just got kicked out of a casino for misunderstanding the use of a crap table

   typing the postcodes of nudist colonies into Google Earth and pressing 'zoom'...

   Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

   I always wondered what it would be like to work for an oil company. Now I know!

   NEW GAMESHOW : I'm more socially functional then a homeschool kid.

   Sometimes your princess in a crown and evening gown is just a retard in a helmet and a Snuggie.

   I would suggest a battle of wits but I suspect you're low on ammunition.

   My wife refers to my underwear drawer as skid row.

   wondering how a flower and several dollar bills ended up in different articles of my clothing last night.....and why a local strip club just called and asked if I wanted to start my first shift tonight.....

   why is everyone on that baseball team wearing Jay Z's hat??

   If you're quiet enough you don't even have to ask for permission before petting a guide dog

   Grocery stores on Army bases in the U.S. are closed. The golf course at Andrews Air Force base is open.

   Please, always tell your daughters they're beautiful, and you love them. There's enough selfies on Facebook already.

   "Dude, she just called you a stalker." "Oh hell no, hold my binoculars."

   A gay Christian is not an oxymoron, a hateful Christian most certainly is....

   Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner. He turned 88 years old today. His friends threw him a big party. They had a naked woman jump out of a giant bran muffin.

   "I don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo" - Said no Juan ever