Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would suggest a battle of wits but I suspect you're low on ammunition.

   My wife refers to my underwear drawer as skid row.

   wondering how a flower and several dollar bills ended up in different articles of my clothing last night.....and why a local strip club just called and asked if I wanted to start my first shift tonight.....

   why is everyone on that baseball team wearing Jay Z's hat??

   If you're quiet enough you don't even have to ask for permission before petting a guide dog

   Grocery stores on Army bases in the U.S. are closed. The golf course at Andrews Air Force base is open.

   Please, always tell your daughters they're beautiful, and you love them. There's enough selfies on Facebook already.

   "Dude, she just called you a stalker." "Oh hell no, hold my binoculars."

   A gay Christian is not an oxymoron, a hateful Christian most certainly is....

   Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner. He turned 88 years old today. His friends threw him a big party. They had a naked woman jump out of a giant bran muffin.

   "I don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo" - Said no Juan ever

   Sometimes life is cruel and other times you're unconscious.

   Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say.

   Didn't wanna say how hot it was in my room last night but 2 hobbits came round and threw a ring in it

   I see that Charlie Sheen's planning a humanitarian trip to Syria. He says he wants to show them what a real disaster looks like.

   Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

   I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

   Cruel irony: the owner of Segway died in a Segway accident yesterday. Google it, it happened.

   Gotta get my ORAL workout: If two witches were watching two watches....then which witch would watch which watch?

   really annoyed with the new Hollywood 3D Craze. There are some things you don't want to see in 3D, Jack*ss comes to mind.