Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think that the Goo Goo Dolls & Lady Gaga should go on tour together...the Goo Goo Gaga Tour!!

   You'd think that after all these years of practice I'd be good at waking up by now.

   Some things are so awkward to say, but so easy to text message.

   Lazy rule #35: If you spill some water, it will eventually dry.

   I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   Hey, don't wear skinny jeans if you have a big head. You look like a Pez dispenser.

   I think it's cute how my bankruptcy attorney thinks I'm going to pay him!

   Nothing says "I've made poor life decisions" like a couch in your front yard.

   So I read 600,000 facebook accounts get hacked in a day... I must be lucky - I get a free ipad 2 just by entering my password and credit card information.

   That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you're moving.

   A fax? You're sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?

   Quick question, Ladies, If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the f$ck are you doing?

   Phones get thinner and smarter, and people?! We get fatter and stupid.

   They're coming out with a line of Kardashian Barbie Dolls. As if the actual Kardashians aren't fake enough.

   Why do I have to take medication to stop me from slapping people who should be on medication?

   On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

   I just watched a documentary on LSD and in my opinion that is the best way to watch a documenatry

   I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.

   Spilling a full drink you just paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.

   I'm pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison