Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

   I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AND TAKE A "SNOOKIE"

   I took my Girlfriend to see the premier of the new Planet of the Apes film, She spent most the night signing autographs...

   California a maltese dog cost around $1000, You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.

   KKK is part of the democratic party...

   It looks like you also lost a considerable amount of brain cells when you slipped and fell on that black ice you r@cist a$$hole!

   would like to buy a vowel.

   Of course Jesus saves. He's J ewish.

   My boss asked me to tell him a joke but I said I was too busy working. So we laughed and laughed...

   I got "I love you.", tattooed on my penis... my girlfriend said "Quit trying to put words in my mouth!".

   I didn't slap you...I just high-fived your face :)

   I told my dad off today. I said, “Dad, I'm a grown man so STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD!” It worked. He gave me a juice box for standing up for myself.

   WARNING, PLEASE READ - I don't usually re-post these but... If someone comes to your front door, and asks you to remove your clothes, and dance in your front yard with your arms in the air.. DO NOT do this, it is a scam!! They just want to see you naked.

   What do you call a monkey thats always exploding? A ba-boom.

   I'm sitting here wondering why my book '101 ways to kill a postman' still hasn't arrived.

   bringing sexy back? honey your the reason sexy left in the first place!

   Trump will be re-elected.

   Today, I made fun of my friend when she tripped over the curb. I said loudly "haha you can't even walk" I then noticed the man in the wheelchair a few feet ahead of us. FML

   YOU HAVE BEEN TAGGED: Send this status message to 10 people and your luck will not change what so ever....

   Girls.. If you want him to treat you like a queen, first you have to treat him like a king...