Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boss asked me to tell him a joke but I said I was too busy working. So we laughed and laughed...

   I got "I love you.", tattooed on my penis... my girlfriend said "Quit trying to put words in my mouth!".

   I didn't slap you...I just high-fived your face :)

   I told my dad off today. I said, “Dad, I'm a grown man so STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD!” It worked. He gave me a juice box for standing up for myself.

   WARNING, PLEASE READ - I don't usually re-post these but... If someone comes to your front door, and asks you to remove your clothes, and dance in your front yard with your arms in the air.. DO NOT do this, it is a scam!! They just want to see you naked.

   What do you call a monkey thats always exploding? A ba-boom.

   I'm sitting here wondering why my book '101 ways to kill a postman' still hasn't arrived.

   bringing sexy back? honey your the reason sexy left in the first place!

   Trump will be re-elected.

   Today, I made fun of my friend when she tripped over the curb. I said loudly "haha you can't even walk" I then noticed the man in the wheelchair a few feet ahead of us. FML

   YOU HAVE BEEN TAGGED: Send this status message to 10 people and your luck will not change what so ever....

   Girls.. If you want him to treat you like a queen, first you have to treat him like a king...

   If all her furniture is from Rent-A-Center....she's too hood for you bro!

   Summer is almost over... All you half naked bit$hes gonna have to find a personality soon.

   Congratulations goes out to Kate Middleton. She just married Cap'n Crunch

   If you're attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler!

   Oh, you lost your phone and it's on silent? That's too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.

   I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

   I guess taking it to the hole has a whole new meaning in the NBA nowadays.

   God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.