Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'll take a Shirley Temple" - God

   My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when I was your age..” and then describing what I did 3 days ago

   I'd like a boob job. Like, a job where I just look at boobs all day.

   Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but,, I was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

   Love Coco Puffs. Hate Popo Cuffs.

   NEWS FLASH....CORDUROY PILLOW MAKES HEADLINES!!!!

   If the U.S. were worried about Assad killing people it would've intervened along time ago. The chemical weapons put Israel under a threat.

   Justin Bierber's album Believe (Acoustic) is the number one album in America. And we wonder why the rest of the world hate us.

   New drinking game: Watch the Republican debates. Every time someone says "Ronald Reagan", take a shot. You will get HAMMERED.

   Facebook needs a "Wow that's the dumbest GOD DAMN thing I've ever heard, you should be punched in the throat" button.

   NEWS FLASH: "Before" is spelled B-E-F-O-R-E, not B4...this is English, not Bingo.

   A wise woman once told me...NOTHING.

   $2.75 Trojans or $19.99 Huggies? You make the decision.

   doesn't that swirling graphic the weather channels show of Irene look like a sonogram? I keep thinking the whole east coast is pregnant... and 'The Situation' is the father

   In a healthy relationship, ladies swallow what's on the menu and guys lick the plate clean.

   Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

   We live in the W.T.F generation = W-wikipedia T-twitter F-facebook ;)

   If you ever catch yourself just sitting around your house thinking “Hey I need to go buy the new Justin Bieber CD”, Please delete me as your friend as soon as possible! Thanks.

   If you're not living on the edge you're taking too much space

   Tell me now before I blow twenty bucks on drinks.