Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup, but the worst part of waking up is Folgers out your ass.

   Beyonces new song is so horrible i'd rather hear Betty White & John McCain make sex noises.

   when a stripper asks you to beat the hard level on angry birds you DO IT!!!!!

   making Sunday my favorite day since Rebecca Black ruined Fridays.

   I don't care what anyone says Brett Favre is somewhere totally kicking himself in the a$$ right now!

   Women have to shave our armpits. Whose idea was that? That's a concave area with a straight razor. The best I can do is a mohawk.

   Solution to world hunger: food. Boom, done, next problem.

   I be getting high just to balance out the lows.

   I think humans should hibernate. We could use an extra month of sleep. Too many cranky people.

   Today someone asked me how I would react if someone jumped off a bridge. I laughed and said,"depends on who it is that jumped!!"

   tired of all the vegetarians thinking they are better than everyone: my food EATS your food!!!

   .... Hillary Clinton just announced that her plan to solve the American Fiscal Crisis is to put ALL of the American Debt on a private server then deleting it.

   Facebook has changed its policy against topless Masectomy pictures. Which is odd because Justin Bieber has been posting them for years.

   I have failed to remove all the jellies. I have shamed myself, and my ancestors.

   I am pleased to announce that I hired Helen Waite to handle the issuance of all apologies on my behalf. So from now on, if you're looking for an “I'm sorry” from me, please go to Helen Waite for it..

   Be the person your dog thinks you are.

   BEST WAY TO DIE: Clint Eastwood shooting you while Morgan Freeman narrates it.

   I don't get a sore throat often, but when I do I swallow every few minutes to check to see if it still hurts.

   Jesus saves. He shoots. He scores!! (watching Mexican soccer.)

   who wants leftover bacon....said no one ever