Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think humans should hibernate. We could use an extra month of sleep. Too many cranky people.

   Today someone asked me how I would react if someone jumped off a bridge. I laughed and said,"depends on who it is that jumped!!"

   tired of all the vegetarians thinking they are better than everyone: my food EATS your food!!!

   .... Hillary Clinton just announced that her plan to solve the American Fiscal Crisis is to put ALL of the American Debt on a private server then deleting it.

   I am pleased to announce that I hired Helen Waite to handle the issuance of all apologies on my behalf. So from now on, if you're looking for an “I'm sorry” from me, please go to Helen Waite for it..

   Be the person your dog thinks you are.

   BEST WAY TO DIE: Clint Eastwood shooting you while Morgan Freeman narrates it.

   I wish Taylor Swift would write a song called "Maybe I'm the Problem"

   who wants leftover bacon....said no one ever

   Facebook has changed its policy against topless Masectomy pictures. Which is odd because Justin Bieber has been posting them for years.

   I have failed to remove all the jellies. I have shamed myself, and my ancestors.

   They should make a car that can text you when the car ahead of you brakes.....

   I don't get a sore throat often, but when I do I swallow every few minutes to check to see if it still hurts.

   Jesus saves. He shoots. He scores!! (watching Mexican soccer.)

   You don't have to change much to change everything.

   Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

   Do you ever get so mad you start texting/typing with your middle fingers?

   "Hello, pain. I realize we have business, you and I, but don't get comfortable, because you're not staying."

   I cut myself shaving this morning. Now I'm walking with a limp.

   your not a Jedi,. so stop waving at elecrtronic door's outside of Wal-mart like you have the force, you dork."