Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always introduce the women I date to my mom right away. It would be awkward if I didn't, she's the one who drives us to the restaurant.

   Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

   I think all Walmart bathrooms are required by law to look like the set of one of the "Saw" movies.

   Tonight marks the 84th Anniversary of me not giving a f*ck.... Besides Grandma, who watches this crap?

   my dog is going off the rails on a gravy train...

   "K?” Get back to me when you learn the rest of the alphabet.

   I went to this new Chinese restaurant today for lunch... it was off the hook, chain, collar and leash!

   It's not that I need Anger Management, it's that others need Stupidity Management.

   Wondering if I should watch Obama's State of the Confusion Address tonight.. More talk that never changes anything..

   Jesus changed your life? My remote's broken.You think you can get him to change the channel?

   I guess Mother's Day is kind of awkward to a woman who has had multiple abortions. Thanks mom for not pulling the plug on me! Happy Mothers Day. :)

   Perfect example of living life to the fullest kids...... RIP Ryan Dunn, jackass.

   A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least a thousand dollars.

   has a big clock

   just mugged a florist....that guy's lookin' like a fool with his plants on the ground....

   The Eagles/Vikings game was postponed to Tuesday because Michael Vick had trouble driving his dog sled through the blizzard.

   thought of it before you did.

   wonders if dyslexic devil worshipers sell their soul to Santa

   do you think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

   What color are Paul Walker's eyes? Blue. One blew one way, one blew the other way.