Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone talks about a Smartalec. Sadly the Dumbalecs remain unmentioned.

   I hate it when you finally fall in love & your girlfriend's all "Who are you? Put down my dog. I'm calling the police."

   Dear waiter: Please don't ask me how my food tastes soon after I take a huge bite. Sincerely, My mouth is full so I can't answer.

   I met the girl of my dreams last night, then I woke up.

   Hitting your hip on a corner and feeling like you've been shot. 

   :Men, we all know the real reason there's always one missing sock. Shame. That's why.

   I go to subway to eat healthy, but for whatever reason, I end up making a sub that would fill up a family.

   I always introduce the women I date to my mom right away. It would be awkward if I didn't, she's the one who drives us to the restaurant.

   Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

   I think all Walmart bathrooms are required by law to look like the set of one of the "Saw" movies.

   Tonight marks the 84th Anniversary of me not giving a f*ck.... Besides Grandma, who watches this crap?

   my dog is going off the rails on a gravy train...

   "K?” Get back to me when you learn the rest of the alphabet.

   I went to this new Chinese restaurant today for lunch... it was off the hook, chain, collar and leash!

   It's not that I need Anger Management, it's that others need Stupidity Management.

   Wondering if I should watch Obama's State of the Confusion Address tonight.. More talk that never changes anything..

   Jesus changed your life? My remote's broken.You think you can get him to change the channel?

   I guess Mother's Day is kind of awkward to a woman who has had multiple abortions. Thanks mom for not pulling the plug on me! Happy Mothers Day. :)

   Perfect example of living life to the fullest kids...... RIP Ryan Dunn, jackass.

   A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least a thousand dollars.